Go Angelina!

I have so much to tell you about, almost one month out from my DIEP breast reconstruction.  Wow, hardest slowest month ever.  I thank you so much for all your love and support during a challenging recovery, and will be blogging about it this week.

I wanted to share this with you though, another Sister, a famous Sister, who was not diagnosed but I still regard her as part of our sorority.  She took her health into her own hands with the fearlessness she has always been known for, and then spoke about it! Bravo! Bravo!

Click on this link to read her statement.

I applaud you Angelina, for your practical, brave decision, nevertheless it made me very sad.  Of course, when faced with the decision between our breasts and our lives, we choose life.  We choose life.

That is not to say it makes losing your breasts any easier, even with all the love and support we receive from the men who love us, and the plastic surgery options available for reconstruction.

Early prevention is just not enough.

It hurts every time I hear of another woman whose breasts are butchered and altered because of breast cancer.  Not to mention all those who die from breast cancer every year, despite our best efforts and advances in treatment.

Early prevention is just not enough.

We want a cure.

We want a cure.

Rolling in the DIEP, Shall We Try Again?

So I'm just over a week out from checking into a five day spa visit in Oz, otherwise known as Stanford University.  I got a date with a wizard there named Dr. Lee, and all his peeps who gonna make me over.

Cut cut here,
Snip snip there,
And a couple of new tata's,
That's how we keep you young and fair
in the merry old land of oz.

FLOPSY AND MOPSY, THE SEQUEL!

Oh Jesus Lord in heaven, Lord I just have to trust that all the times my plans got jinxed and dashed and I was QUEEN OF THE GLITCH, it was because you had something BETTER for me.  Is this it?!?  Tell me this is it.

I need to graduate from cancer camp folks!  Although I'm almost three years out from diagnosis, I still feel like cancer girl every time I look in the mirror, every time I get dressed, every time I look down and feel these hard Nerf like footballs stuffed in my chest!  I will not have made safe passage out of The Kingdom of the Lost Breasts until I can buy a bra!  I haven't worn a regular old bra for 2 1/2 years!!!

So here's a reminder of what we're looking at:

DIEP, or Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator

It's a good illustration that gives you an idea of what they'll be doing to me.  Mine is a little different though.  My incisions will be directly under each breast.  They'll take the tissue expanders out, and plop the whale blubber that is my muffin top in!  Voila, foobs!  No implants, just my own tissue stuffed in there.

It's a long surgery because it's two in one, tummy tuck and breast reconstruction.  It's a long hospital stay, about five days, so they can closely monitor my tissue graft to make sure it has a good blood supply and lives.  Living foobies!

Oh breast cancer, oh breast cancer, what a party you've thrown for me Baby, aren't you fun?!!

Oh and don't forget, my nipples will get moved around too, so they'll be in the right spot once the reconstruction, reduction and lift is done.  Pray for me nipples that they survive the journey!

Recovery will be about 6 weeks, once I've passed through the initial phase of hit by a train, run over by a bus and pink steam roller, then dragged like a rodeo rider whose foot is caught in the saddle!  Rumor has it I'll be coming home with four to six drains hanging out of my new body, oh joy oh joy.

YOU KNOW I LOVE THOSE DRAINS. Emptying em, stripping em, trying to figure out where to pin em, hanging them up in the shower, gettin in bed with em!

Some party, eh?

Start your praying for me early, that Jesus has his hand on me, giving me courage and strength and humor, and more importantly GUIDES my surgeon and those who will be taking care of me.

I can't look, am I almost there yet?

THURSDAY, APRIL 18th - FLOPSY AND MOPSY, THE SEQUEL!

Stay tuned...

  

I am. This day.

God said I am.

Not I was.

Not I'm gonna be.

I AM.

THIS is the day the Lord has made.

THIS DAY.

Hmmmm.  Blond brain at work here.

I AM.

THIS DAY.

Not yesterday.

Not tomorrow.

Right now.

This moment.

You got it?

Amen.

I Surrender

There is always so much to pray about, friends and family whose hearts are burdened in dark valleys looking for answers and God's comfort and a way out.  Isaiah 65:24 Before they call I will answer, while they are yet speaking I will hear.

In addition to my Bible and other current reading, there is a little book I keep on my nightstand,






I read it every evening before bed, and then look up the Bible verses she references.  The way Sarah Young has written each daily devotional, it's as if Jesus is speaking directly to me, like the loving Father Redeemer Healer Counselor he is.  It's so comforting and reassuring.  (Hello my Midgey Midge, don't go buy this, I already bought one for you and will mail it, kiss kiss)


For those following Cara's story, she recently marked the milestone of her one year "cancerversary" as we call it in the business, one year out from diagnosis and a year of the wild roller coaster that is leukemia treatment.  We are grateful and praise God that Cara is in remission, but her treatment continues and has been full of very challenging side effects and collateral damage.  Most recently she suffered a bout of shingles and was back in her old stomping grounds at UCSF for a week.  She is home again now, and I know her beloved at-home nurse and furry angel is very happy to have her home.

Cara and Sunny

My son Adam aka Batman and his girl, Cara

Your continued prayers for Cara and her complete healing and recovery are most needed and appreciated.  I'm sure God has had His hand on this sweet girl; her smile and spirit and courage and sense of humor have touched so many people.  Even those of us who already really loved her.  She is a real warrior, just doing what she has to do.

I love you Cara, it won't always be like this Hon, it will get better and better!

I had a wonderful surprise message from Angel B, remember her?  Her name is Becca, and she and Alaina aka Angel A, both from Novato High, made a pink ribbon blanket for a cancer patient, which ended up being me!  I was blessed to meet these girls in person when I surprised them for a visit at their school.

Alaina and Becca, making my blanket

Becca has a friend named Amanda, another teenager diagnosed with cancer.  Will you join me in prayer for Amanda?  And for Becca too, whose love and concern for her friend inspired her to contact me.

After a cancer diagnosis, you feel as if when people look at you, this big letter 'C' is branded on you like the scarlet letter.  What is it we want from you, you blessed Muggles who are cancer free?  We know you can't fix this, we know we have to do this on our own, and there really are no words to take away all the fear and grief and uncertainty we feel.  We just want to feel normal, we want to feel your love and quiet presence, and we really need your prayers.  Those are really the best words you can give to us, your constant prayers lifting us up to the one True Healer.

I am about a month away from my upcoming reconstruction surgery, and I'll admit to you, the closer it gets, the more I am dreading it.  I am praying hard every day for God's peace and comfort and strength.  My courage ain't what it used to be, but I know for sure, this is a necessary passage of graduating from Cancer Camp.

I seem to be getting stuck in my head, revisiting the hard parts, and sometimes I still grieve for what I went through, what I lost, and for a body that still is so foreign to me.  I pray that God will strengthen my resolve, keep me hopeful and trusting, and give me the physical strength to endure a long surgery and several days in ICU.  I'd much rather be going to a different kind of Club Med, but I'm blessed that the Club Med I'll be going to is Stanford University.

Will you pray for me, that my fear and dread will be replaced with trust and faithfulness and I'll find my courage again?  I seem to have lost it.

Little Muff, Big World

On our walks together, I'm walking Muff, and God is walking me.  The world and my head can be so noisy.  I go to my peaceful places so I can hear His whisper, and get rest in His presence.

John 16:33  I give you peace, knowing I have overcome the world.

Thank you Lord, for all the times I call out to You, and You answer with a "there there now Little Debbie."

Thank you Lord.

I surrender to you Jesus, every worry, every fear, every problem, every heartache, every ouch, every thing that does not serve You.  I surrender to you, and open myself to Your perfect plan to take all this mess of my sacred ordinary and turn it into Your glory.

I pray
when others see me,
they'll
see
You.

Almost Three Years Out

My friend Jenny gave me a great book to read, it's by Regina Brett, a breast cancer survivor and columnist for the Plain Dealer, out of Cincinnati.



I am really enjoying this little book of simple common sense treasures, and it's for anybody, not just my cancer peeps. I highly recommend it.

Jenny also forwarded me Regina's latest column regarding her fifteen year "cancerversary."  In April I will be three years out from diagnosis, or as I like to say "From Stage Three to Cancer Free."  Praise God.

I'll be celebrating with my reconstruction on April 18th, do I dare say the date?  Oh Lord, deliver me to this date, healthy, strong and ready.  I am so so ready to git her done and continue to move forward!  It's crazy to think I'm almost three years out, my cancerversary is April 21, 2010.

I'm not surprised to read in Regina's article, that even after fifteen years of survivorship, the what if's still creep and linger.  I imagine once you've been diagnosed, no matter how far out you get, there will always be a bit of looking over your shoulder.  Cancer is scary.  Cancer treatment is hard hard hard.  There aren't always happy endings.

I have my days where I worry about recurrence, where any little pain or ache makes me pause and think "Uh oh, what's that?"  I try not to focus on them, instead focusing on what I can to better my odds against a recurrence.

What have I changed since my cancer diagnosis?  Way better at managing my stress, and investing in what brings me joy.  More prayer.  More nature.  More whole foods.  More greens. No artificial flavors, sweeteners or preservatives.

Mostly though?

Way way way more gratitude, seeking peace, avoiding drama, connecting daily with my Higher Power Jesus Christ, and being present in my life.

I sure have appreciated all the love and support I've gotten, but there's something that worries me now and then.

If I were to have a recurrence, I think you'd all be so disappointed and discouraged and angry and maybe lose hope.  The beauty for me is this -

even if ultimately I have not been cured,

thank you thank you Lord,

for how my heart and blond brain have been healed.

No matter what happens, will you always, when you think of me, think of the joy and love and passion I live my life with?

Promise?

This is what survivorship is to me, it's not about the cancer or if it comes back.

It's how I live every day now, however many days are gifted to me.

Gratitude

changes

everything.

Try it.

1Peter 3:4

Glimmering

That's how it feels sometimes, this gratitude in me, like I am glimmering, sparkly, like rays of sunshine through a crystal, exploding in rainbows out of my blond brain.

Well let me see, since I last saw you, I made a trip to see the Good Witch! Oh how I do love her, my Diva cancer doctor touchstone, but it's a struggle Baby, missing her and yet hatin to walk through those CANCER CENTER doors.  My sentences do run on today, deal with it.

I have been on a schedule, like most cancer faithful, of seeing her every three months.  Just shy of 3 years of doing that!

Imagine my glory and surprise and elation when she says to me "Okay, so I'll see you in six months..."

Huh? What? Stop the presses.  Wait a minute Lady, could you REPEAT THAT PLEASE?

Like ice cream dripping down my chin on a 100 degree day, oh yes, yes, this is good good good.

My God is good good good.

"Wait a minute, could you repeat that please, and aren't you gonna try and strong arm me into a PET scan? I haven't had one since a couple months into chemo."

I was all prepared for her answer, I was ready for her, but she got me.

"Well, I probably would have liked you to have one last year, but you talked me out of it, and now you're so far out and doing so well, I don't see the need for one.  We'll do one if we need to, if we feel like we're chasing something."

Yes we are chasing something alright.

JUST GIVE ME SOME HOPE TO FOLLOW AND I WILL RUN. Jarrod Gorbel

No oncology appointment, no lab tests, for six months?  And no PET scan?

Yup. That's how I felt.

Almost three years out, from Stage 3 to cancer free.

Lord you see me dancing,

gangnam style?

Happy things

You must focus on the happy things.
The things that bring you peace.
The things that bring you calm.
The things that make you want to try again.
The things that bring lightness
and joy.

You must focus on the happy things.