Wednesday, May 19, 2010

It's Not My Job To Blow Sunshine Up Your Ass

I just loved this title. I am starting with the title, then creating the blog around it. Don't get me wrong, I'm very good at blowing the sunshine. Very good at it. But it is not the sum of me.

It is very interesting people's reaction when you tell them you have cancer, especially when you are known for your cheerfulness and positive attitude.

Rule Number One when dealing with someone with cancer?

Don't focus on or keep asking me "What stage are you?"

It's kind of like asking "so when do they think you're going to die, cause I need to get ready and all?"

I understand the importance of this stage thing to some, but it's all the wrong focus.

You got somethin to tell me? Tell me now.

You love me? Love me now.

You need to hug me? Hug me now.

You scared? That's ok. So am I.

You wondering how all of this is going to play out? Me too.

and if you're so busy focusing on me and what's going to happen to me, you're going to step off a curb and get run over by the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. Really. Shit happens. Remember, this is review material.

If there is one great thing that cancer gives in one hand while it takes away with the other, it is clarity. Clarity. About your life and who you love and what you need to say and what you still want to do, and even greater,

the clarity to easily separate the golden kernels of this life from the chaff. Most of it is chaff people. Most of it.

"Living my life like it's golden, golden, golden... Jill Scott"

That's how I'm living now. Like my life is golden. Cause it is.

Yeah things hurt more, the suffering is more intense, I am really being tested here, this sucks, even now at this early stage, AND I AM JUST GETTING STARTED IN THIS CANCER THING.

But I am awake. Really awake. Like when Dorothy opened the door. Everything is in technicolor.

When was the last time you bit into a tangerine and closed your eyes and felt grateful for that remarkable sweetness?

When was the last time you made a S'more?

When was the last time you pulled out all your old albums or cd's, had em spread all over the floor and took a trip down the memory lane of your life?

"Oh, this one's going to hurt."

When was the last time you whispered into someone's ear "I love you. More."

When you have cancer,
Food tastes better.
Drink tastes better.
Bed feels better.
Music is better.
OMG chocolate is so much effing better.

And the company of a good book or a good friend makes you feel so blessed and so grateful.

Thank you family and friends who love me, so sweetly. Thank you. I forgive you family and friends for the times when this is too scary and you stay away.

and thank you for all the dogs that ever loved me. Wow. I did not say thank you enough for that.

Clarity.

Funny, some people have taken my cancer diagnosis so personally. Like "How could you do this to me?" Sorry man, what in the hell was I thinking? I know, my timing is all wrong. All wrong.

Clarity.

The ones who step forward. The ones who back away.

In the beginning I was so overwhelmed by telling the people that care about me I have cancer. It was worse to tell than to hear the news myself. That was the old me, the one who felt it a calling to blow sunshine up people's asses.

A new me is emerging. Don't get me wrong. I am funny. Damned funny. and a joy to be around. and I love making people happy. I like listening to people, hearing their stories, learning what is important to them, making a surprise of some meaningful thing to them.

But this is not the sum of me.

I am in training for greatness. This is what a cancer diagnosis is doing for me.

I always knew what a fierce Mother Bear I am. I know I love hard. I am a loyal friend. I feel things deeply. Would do anything for you or an animal or the hummingbirds and lady bugs that live in my yard.

What I did not know is how much I value my own life and I'm willing to pick up a sword on my own behalf.

Everyone has a talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark places where it leads.
- Erica Jong


I am not in training to pick up this sword to fight this cancer.

It's something more than that.

There will only be one me for all time.

I am in training to find this voice, to become fearless to reveal it to you.

Don't worry, I'll still blow sunshine up your ass, every now and then.

Cause I like you.

Clarity.

1 comment:

masonmft said...

Dang my arse is feeling sore and cheery all at once.

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