Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Little Pencil

So my learning curve is getting a little better. A little.

Day Three after chemo I learned that just because you are afraid of not being able to poop, does not mean you should stop taking your painkiller for after surgery, and your anti-nausea, anti-anxiety meds. This is not a good idea. It results in a body that can hardly move and is so so stiff. Super slow mo. When I checked in to the center for my daily shot, Kitty looked concerned. I think that Kitty could pass for Barbra Streisand's sister, or maybe first cousin.

"Where's all your sparkle girl?" I told her about my potty problem the day before and my near death experience.

"Ok, no, no, no, you have to take your meds, and we will take care of the other problem another way."

Yes mama.

Today I did all that I was supposed to do, took my meds, took my laxative, and slept like Snow White for most of the day. Cuddled my pink bear in my bed. Took some self portraits of myself. I am feeling a sense of urgency to document me before I become that other me.

My chemo port still hurts like a son-of-a-bitch. Like there's a lego in my chest. I just want to rip it out. Poor poor Mopsy is really taking it hard for Flopsy.

Flopsy on the other hand, the sick girl, seems to be doing quite well.

They gave me this calendar, wow, and I thought my calendar had been cleared. I will be quite busy between chemo courses, shots, lab stuff, meeting with oncologist, blah blah blah.

I never knew having cancer was a full time job.

I am just at the very beginning of this journey and this blog. I have absolutely no idea where this is headed, where I will end up. I can't seem to count on anything these days.

This I know for sure. I am going to keep showing up. There will be days I probably won't write much. It will be boring. Or sad. Or maybe I will just say "I hurt today."

I am going to keep showing up. In the midst of all this cancer minutia, something really important is happening to me. Can you sense it too?

"At each stage of learning we must give up something, even if it is a way of life that we have always known. Australian Aborigine saying "

This life that I knew is being cleared. All that I thought I wanted, or needed to have or carry with me, is falling away.

I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.
- Mother Teresa


Maybe this is the plan for me.

To show up in my life with nothing but,

an open heart,

and a pencil.

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