Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Blooming

It's been a long week since my last chemo, my brain is working over time working through my stuff and this cancer stuff. Then I caught this awful cold. I admit I was really really tired of feeling sick, and felt very sorry for myself, and was going to ask you all tonight,

Can I not go to chemo on Friday? Can I just stop now? Can I just be normal now? Can I just go to work this weekend? Can I have a break? Is that ok with you?

Can I just be one of you again?

Somebody, please, come get me. I'm ready to go home now.

Since I stepped onto this path, prayers have been said for me from Napa to Notre Dame; good thoughts and love and healing energy sent to me because I asked and you answered yes. Candles lit, bunches of sweet peas cut for me, late night messages, and cheers of "You Go Girl" all proclaimed for me. You keep me going; you send me light when I am almost out and just a glow on the wick.

I will put you in the cleft of the rock and cover you with My Hand. Exodus 33:22

I feel as if all of you have been the cleft in the rock where God and the Universe hid me and covered me with your hands.

Test me now in this, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven, and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows. Malachi 3:10

The windows were opened today for me, and out poured the results of my PET scan and the blessings of all your prayers and good mo jo sent my way.

From the Good Witch:

Your pet scan looks good. We will go over more details when I see you next Friday, but there is no evidence of systemic spread of the cancer. There is no cancer in the lungs, liver, bones, elsewhere. Very good news... Congratulations! See you soon.

I remember what it felt like in the days before I received my cancer diagnosis.

Please God, please oh please oh please, don't let me have cancer. I'll be good now, I'll listen, whatever I am supposed to do, or be, please, oh please oh please, don't send me down this path...

and then after the cancer was found in Flopsy,

Please God, please oh please oh please, don't let me have cancer in my lymph node. I'll be good now, I'll listen, I'll...

I don't pray like that any more. I did not pray those pleading prayers leading to and waiting for my PET scan results.

I trusted. I have surrendered Dorothy. I have surrendered. I trusted that whatever came back, this is my path, this is where I am supposed to be, and that all of this, all of this, is for some greater good in my life and maybe in yours.

Call to Me, and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know. Jeremiah 33:3

I don't ask for specific results anymore. I just ask that I will have the strength and the humor and the bravery for five seconds more to allow me to take one more baby step when what I really want to do is crawl in a ball and have you pat me and feed me lobster.

Now that my PET scan has come back with great news,

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, I COULD NOT HANDLE MORE, I WAS NOT READY, THIS IS ENOUGH, OK? THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, I REALLY NEEDED A BREAK. I REALLY NEEDED SOME GOOD NEWS. I NEEDED GOOD NEWS.

Thank you for hearing me, I have been doing my best, but I needed this break in the bad weather today.

It was the season of light. It was the spring of hope. Charles Dickens

That's how I feel tonight, like it's Spring. I am blooming.

I want to do with you what Spring does with the cherry trees. Pablo Neruda

In my case, we are not talking dainty little cherry blossoms. We are talking magnolias, and tonight your prayers and good thoughts have done with me what only Spring can do - I am fragrant and blooming and hopeful.

Thank you for all the times you sent my name to heaven and the angels told God the prayers for me were coming in from everywhere.

Prayers were answered today. The Universe heard what you asked for me.

I am wide open and blooming.

Look at what you have done to me.

Ok, I'll keep going.

Just because you believe I can.

1 comment:

masonmft said...

Not that this is about me but omg what a relief. I think I'm going to sleep now....like a baby. Keep on swimmin. Happy face with luv.

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