Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Chemo Made me Do It

First of all, I am so getting used to and liking this bald head. Now, don't get me wrong here, I miss my hair. I miss it bad. I still have involuntary tics and look crazy doing them, I swear, I used to have hair, really I did! You were all my witnesses.

Anyway ladies, this showering like a boy, WOW WHAT FREEDOM! I love it. Jump in and let that water cream me, oh wow. I have been missing out all these years on a shower like that. Baptize me baby. Dunk me and make me new.

I almost can't stand having anything on my head now. I wear the scarf out just cause I don't want to deal with all the sympathy and "oh you poor poor bald thing." When I get home, I rip that thing off. I never realized I had such topography to my head. Anybody know a head reader? Not a head whisperer, ha, a head reader?

So where was I? Oh yeah. You really haven't lived until cancer makes you live your life with such intention.

INTENTION.

You say the things you meant to say. You start doing the things you meant to do.

You don't edit yourself.

Why should I? Fuck you. I have cancer. What you gonna do to me?

See what I mean? Wow.

I'm king of the world (with no hair blowing).

Things you always meant to do or say. Like today, Robin and I went to pick up his glasses. Long story short, his glasses were broken and the lady at the optometry office was on it, and got Robin new frames in a couple a days. NO CHARGE. She doesn't even know about me. But Robin has a way with people! I cut her a big bouquet of yellow roses out of our yard with some purple flowers mixed in. I love purple and yellow together.

We drove to get Robin's glasses. He's been wearing an old pair of his dad's glasses, with huge circular lenses, and he's been looking like Harry Potter. On the way to the office, we drive down this one street. There is a house on that street, I don't know the people, but every year they do the most incredible decorations, especially at Halloween. I look forward to seeing it every year. It's a very modest house but what a lovely little postage stamp of a garden and you just wouldn't believe the decorating.

Today as we drove by, a woman was out front of the house, sweeping the sidewalk.

I pulled over. Robin, with yellow bouquet in hand looks at me like "What are you doing lady?" He calls me lady a lot. Mostly "crazy lady."

The woman looked up, wondering why we were stopping, probably figuring we needed directions.

I rolled down Robin's window. "I just wanted to tell you how much we enjoy your beautiful holiday decorations every year, especially the ones at Halloween. We look forward to it, every year."

It is worth a million and one bucks, that look on someone's face when you make their day. Just some random person stopping and out of nowhere, telling you something like that.

"Thank you, thank you" she said. "I'm probably going back to school this Fall, so I don't know about this year but..."

"Well if we get a vote, we would tell you keep doing it, we love seeing what you do. We look forward to it. Every single year."

As we pull away, Robin looks over at me, shaking his head.

He pats me, still shaking his head, "I love you Mom."

A few minutes later we pulled into the parking lot and Robin was handing over his bouquet to the lady with his glasses. She melted.

Why didn't I always live this way? Why? What have I been afraid of?

I'm not afraid anymore.

I feel like George Bailey in "It's A Wonderful Life" running through town, greeting the Savings and Loan, and the old theatre and joyfully, gratefully, embracing his life and all his blessings.

"To my brother George, the richest man in town."

That's how I feel right about now.

Today in the mail, I received a beautifully little crocheted cap, with a pink ribbon scarf weaved through it. It was from the lady at the American Cancer Society, the one who helped husband get all the pins for Mother's Day. I have not met her yet, but we had a great long phone conversation a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, she has already sent me several scarves, and today I get this little handmade hat with a card. Her mom made it for me. Her mom.

I don't even know these people. I don't even know them.

Listen up.

For all the times current events got you down, for all the times you felt cynical and jaded, for all the times you wondered what this world is coming to, I am here to tell you,

THERE IS STILL GREAT GOOD IN THE WORLD. Great good. and great love.

and the kindness of strangers.

Every single day, I get a text, an email, a card, a phone call, a present, a hug, somethin, you name it, some kind of love is seeking me and finds me. Every single day. Often from someone who doesn't even know me, but someone in their life faced cancer and all of that good will comes my way, in memory of that person they loved.

Why don't we live like this every day? Wow. It is some healing healing medicine.

You people are healing my heart, let alone this cancer.

So the next time I see you, and I grab you and hug you and kiss you,

or you see me kissing the sidewalk,

or hugging a tree,

the chemo made me do it.

The chemo made me do it.

The richest woman in town.

By the way, beginner's samba lessons, thursday nights, 6:15 p.m.

Wait till they get a load of me.

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