Thursday, June 17, 2010

Getting Real

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.  Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Most of my hair has been loved off, my eyes have not yet dropped out, but I am loose in the joints and my house is bordering shabby right now.

But I am getting Real

to people who understand.

It was a good good day.  I got all kinds of extended family love today so I don't know if that's why I felt so good or if I was really feeling good.  Just to be sure, love me like that from now on, ok family?

I stood under a tree and had my picture taken with both of my brothers today.  We have not been in the same place and space for over ten years now.  That is a crime.  As a mother, that is a crime against our Mother whose heart would break if she knew.  Only heaven has spared her our neglect and foolishness.

So not only did I have my brothers together, I got to hang with my sister-in-law and niece.  Later my Dad called, and a little later my nephew Wolfie in Kansas.  I hit the jackpot today.

I have missed my family, especially those who were not here today, but could have been.

Two things I have regretted as a mother.  Not having more children is one. The other?  My kids not having more interaction and time with my family.  I am sorry to say and ashamed to admit in my family we have let all kinds of not good enough reasons keep us apart.  Most of our good good memories are very very old.  I am sorry for this.  Deeply sorry.

I don't think a family is about how many of you there are, or that you all live close by.  It is about keeping a commitment of your time and presence to the rituals and traditions you make together, and giving those memories to your children.

Over many years, we have failed miserably at that.  When Batman was little, we tried harder then.   The loss of our Mother was only soothed by the presence of each other.  Somehow we lost that over the years, and Robin, my youngest, hardly has any memories of us all together as a family.

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper. Friedrich Nietzsche

I guess so, but when you get it right, for those moments you get it right and you should never stop trying, it is like coming Home again.

No matter how far or how lost you might have been, its like coming Home again.


Before I get all spoonful of sugar here, let me say -

Hey Tay, sorry about those Celtics baby, and if you had a reality show, I would TIVO every episode and yes, I am going to get myself some gold TOMS.  For those of you not so hip as my niece and I, they are superfly cool shoes and for every pair you buy, they give a pair to a child in need.

Superfly.

My oldest son Batman was not here today for the visit.  Have I mentioned yet my son Batman is a legendary snare player in the making, and part of the world famous world champion Concord Blue Devils Drum and Bugle Corp?  Batman is one of THE nine snare players on this most famous of smokin drumline's.

Anyway, I texted Batman a photo of my two brothers and I standing under the tree in our front yard. 

Batman texted back "Weird."

What do you mean son, weird?

"Seeing you three together."

I wrote back.

"Promise me in your life you will never ever be far from your brother."

"Promise" he said.

Now I can sleep tonight.

3 comments:

kim said...

I stop and talk to your brother at the farmers market every week that I go. I am glad to here that you spent time with both your brothers. Family is very important. Know that we are all out here reading, even if we don't comment all the time.

Anonymous said...

The end totally made me tear up. I love the love you have for everyone in your family and you guys as a whole are so loving and caring and that is why I feel so special to be apart of your family! I can completely relate to Robin with the family memories. I too am the young one with not too many memories. But I know there were hard ships but you would never be able to tell for all the love you guys have for one another...I am so glad you got that time with your brothers! You are such a joy mana and you are like my bonus mama! I always wanna hug you when I come over because you make everything feel right. I am so glad to have you in my life and thanks for having a GREAT son to take care of me as well :] I don't even know what I would do without both of you guys in my life! Love you mana, Congrats on the GREAT news as well!!
-Baby Bear <3

writergirldreams said...

Sheesh Kim, all your friends are so so loving and kind to me! Thank you for sharing my blog with all your peeps and for all your cheerleading for me. Incredible how some of the most touching and profound comments have come from people that don't even know me. This is the power of the written word and an open heart. Wow.

Baby Bear, I love you too sweetie. Very much. Please come over soon, too many boys in this house!!!! Help! Don't forget, when Batman goes on tour, you and I will soothe his absence with each other's company! Here's to tea and cheesecake! yes!

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