Saturday, June 5, 2010

In the Afterglow

Danger. Enter at your own risk. Hazardous Materials are Present. Keep your children and your private parts safely protected.

Warning. Tonight's post is radioactive. Please stay clear, and read this blog from the appropriate distance and do not kiss the screen like you usually do at the end.

We are going nuclear tonight. Put your space suits on. I'll just be here writing and glowing naked.

The laser show will start in 15 minutes.

I should be at some sort of half life by the time you read this but if your geiger counter starts clicking like a drum cadence, or the lights in your room seem to glow a little brighter, or maybe there is a little aura around your computer, well, it's cause a me.

This bitch was toast today. Lit up like Chinese New Year.

But let me back up, to the first part of my day. An appointment with the Good Witch.

First of all, let me say this Good Witch super hero doctor of mine has a day before her day. She gets so booked up she starts seeing patients before the damn place is even open. Before it's even open. She is something else and I'm hella lucky to have her taking care of me.

Vonda was there to greet me, gotta love her. We sure have fun and laugh way more than we should in a damned cancer center. Hello Vonda. Will you be my friend? I think we could get into some serious trouble. Oh, I am in serious trouble. Not that kind. The good kind.

My blood pressure's been up lately, either they can't get a reading or it's a little high. Duh. Duh.

I got my shot, ahhhhh, last one for seven days. Vonda tried a new needle, the thumbelina kind, perfect, oh so much better. It's the little things, like a needle going in good that can make or break my day now. Idiotic the stuff I used to worry about. Now a needle going in good can make or break your day.

Don't take your life for granted people. I repeat, don't take your life for granted. Every time you have a rough day, go comb your hair. Or have a sip of wine. Or rub your chest, feel any lego's in it? Then get up off the floor and stop your whining. Where was I?

So doc makes her way to see me. She already has patients filling exam rooms, calls coming in about a patient admitted to the hospital overnight; this Dr. Chick is one busy busy lady, and she can fly. Vonda even confirmed this for me. This chick can fly.

So we talked about all kinds a things. I like that. We talk first before she starts feeling me up. I like the talking part first. We talk about my nausea, she has a new med for me, we talk about pooping, yes doc, I am pooping. We talk about my hair, it's the first she's seen me in my lavendar turban. We talk.

Ok now take your clothes off, let's see what we've got here. I have been noticing Flopsy is so much happier lately, looks a lot more like her sister, and seems so much SOFTER. Doc confirms this and is very excited, it's working, it's working. She gets out her measuring thing, looks like a compass I used to use in jr. high math.

She seems excited. "Let's see, last I measured you were 10 by 9." Hell I don't know if that is inches, meters or tablespoons. "and today you are 7 by 6."

7 by 6. 7 by 6.

Ice cream and cakey cake. It's my birthday, it's my birthday. Holiday, Celebrate, Holiday, Celebrate.

Flopsy is responding to chemo. My girlfriend the therapist said "Well we all know Flopsy is a good girl who went down a wrong path."

Flopsy was so happy she pleased doc and me, she offered up one of her finest nipples flown in some time. Sorry kids. Close your eyes.

I told the Good Witch how I'd been doing a lot of thinking about how long it takes to get to a breast cancer diagnosis. She said two weeks, that's how long mine took, was pretty quick. For her relative in Canada, it was almost 4 months.

But let me just ask you something doc, if there was a disease that men could get and if they did, they might have to have their penis cut off, you telling me it would take that long to get a diagnosis?

Hell no. and for that matter, there'd be an effing cure.

You know I'm right. This is my platform people. Early detection and pronto diagnosis, just like if I was a man.

I told the Good Witch when I go on Oprah, she's coming with me. That was probably a mistake on my part cause she is going to look so much hotter than me. Damn. Oh well.

Oh, and she says that was probably the last of my periods. and all those times I thought I was getting a fever but temp was fine? Hot flashes.
God help you all.

It was a good morning, other than the terrible nausea cause I couldn't eat a damn thing getting ready for nuking later in the day.

For you cancer newbies, if you are on chemo and they want to schedule a PET scan which is a fasting test, make sure you get it first thing in the morning. And plan it for your good week, not your bad week. These are the things you learn as you go, nobody tells you this stuff.

Maybe I could be a spirit guide for cancer newbies? Any offers?

PET scan not till noon. That was a very long wait till noon feeling like I could gag or throw up. Finally I'm there, let's go.

So I been hearing about the guy at the PET scan center, how he's mister can start an IV on anybody. We'll see about that buster.

The medical assistant comes in and explains everything to me. Start an IV, shoot the kryptonite into me. Wait about an hour for it to travel through my body. Then take me into the ice cold room where the machine that looks like a big doughnut lives. I look at the top of the machine.

GE.

I got the baby version GE in my kitchen, a microwave. This is the big big daddy I'm meeting today. I don't think you can get this one at Best Buy.

So good old can start an IV on anybody misses the first time, and has to poke me twice. Damn. Ouch.

Then he shoots me up. Then they shut me in a room cause now I am getting radioactive and nobody can be around me.

When you have a chest xray, you are exposed to .02 mSV. The sievert (symbol: Sv) is the absorbed radiological dose. It was named after a guy who also liked sour cream and jam on his waffles, Rolf Sievert, a Swedish medical physicist.

Give it up for Rolfie.

Ok so chest xray, .02 mSV. Today I got 11 mSV. Eleven baby.

Now we're talking, Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman. Play a little Frank Zappa now.

I eat a hot dog, it tastes real good. and then I watch a movie from Hollywood. Yummy yummy yum. Yummy yummy yum.

They warn me after I leave, do not go around small children. If they hug me, the radioactivity, which will be concentrated in my bladder will zap em. No shit. Would I lie to you?

What about dogs I ask? We don't know the effects on dogs. Sorry doggies, no huggies from Mommy tonight.

So they lay me down by troubled waters and into the big big doughnut I go. I am thinking about that place in LA with the big donut on the roof. Randy's Donut's in Inglewood. I wish I was there now, getting injected with maple glaze.

At least there isn't going to be any banging in my head like the MRI. I just get to lay back, arms above my head, enter into the giant donut while it takes pictures of me from neck to thigh. About 30 minutes in there.

Then I'm done.

"Here are some snacks for you" and he offers me some goldfish, apple juice and some gummy fruits.

Where is the lobster? I want lobster and asparagus and gratin potatoes with truffle oil and domaine carneros vintage taittinger. Where is my lobster?

PET scans don't come with lobster.

I was so sick after. Oh geez. Food. Food. I need food and bed and blankets and TGIF.

Oh, I almost forgot. So I'm sitting in the chair, getting my radioative on and notice some messages on my phone.

Yulie, Yulie, Yulie. Thank you sweetie for the little photo walk through your fairy garden. That was just lovely and made me really happy on a really rough day. Thank you for all the pansies and impatiens and the fountain and the little elf and just everything. Thank you Yulie. You were right on time for me.

I could not get through these days without the angels all around me.

Another Day. I did it.

I'm a real trooper. I really am.

Oh, I almost forgot. I shaved Robin's head for him tonight. Just like he said. Last day of school and all and showing support for Mom.

Love your life. Count your blessings. Get up off the floor.

Life is good.

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