Wednesday, June 9, 2010

This is your Brain on Drugs and Brazilian Music

Do you remember that public service announcement from the 80's? This is your brain on drugs.

Butter sizzles just before the browning point in a cast iron skillet.

This is drugs.

Then they drop an egg into it and that sunny baby fries up all hissing and scorched.

This is your brain on drugs.

Any questions?

Yeah, fry me up another one and serve em both to me with biscuits and gravy and tabasco and a Bloody Mary.

Now.

I want it now.

Give it to me.

So this is my brain on chemo drugs. "Chemo brain" they call it. All this talent for fine writing lost once the egg is not sizzling in the skillet? Will I be normal then? Like you? Will I return to my former complacency and mediocrity?

Right now, I am living on the edge of a life.

Taking chances.

Exposing myself.

Filleting myself like a trout for you every night, served á la Meunière.

Bite me.

You listening to me from your comfortable place on the cancer free couch?

I hope so. I know you are reading even though you are not talking to me. Over 500 visits. Who are you?

You listening to me?

Who did you intend to be?

What did you intend to do?

Why didn't you love more?

Forgive more?

Listen to this song, the artist is Bebel Gilberto. The name of the song is "Momento." Then listen to her sing "August Day Song."

This groove has been in my head all day. I samba'd through getting my blood drawn, and through the grocery store. And I look the part, a bit exotic with a scarf wrapped on my head. I walk different now. I can't count on my blond hair to carry me. I walk different now.

I should have been doing the samba all along.

It's weird, when you are so awake, like some level of sobriety you've never experienced in your life, it's weird how sharp all your senses and instincts are.

Awake.

Sharp.

Tuned in.

Present.

To see a world in a grain of sand
and a heaven in a wildflower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and eternity in an hour. William Blake


If only I could remember where I put things. I forget mid-walk where I was heading to. Did I take my vitamins this morning? While I am here in this higher place of consciousness, I can't remember where I parked the car. I can't find the damn spell check.

Nature goes her own way, and all that seems an exception is really according to order. Goethe

Nature uses conflict as its primary motivator for change, creating beautiful beaches, canyons, mountains, and pearls. It's not whether you have conflict in your life. It's what you do with that conflict that makes a difference. Thomas Crum

Obviously I have been turning right, when I should have been turning left. The universe had to order a huge correction for me and now expects me to trust. Is this the metaphor for all of this; is this why this is happening?

"Come to the edge of the cliff" he said.
"We're afraid" they said.
"Come to the edge of the cliff" he said.
"We're afraid" they said.
"Come to the edge of the cliff" he said.
They came.
He pushed.
They flew. Guillaume Appollinaire


I am growing into a place of recognizing I have been given a gift, living this way now.

Unless we change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed. Old Chinese Proverb

Why should I be the only one doing all the work? I am asking you tonight to think about what have you been avoiding?

The small voice that talks to you.

The one you ignore.

You listening to me?

Who did you intend to be?

What did you intend to do?

Why didn't you love more?

Forgive more?

I tell you this
to break your heart,
by which I mean only
that it break open and never close again
to the rest of the world.
- Mary Oliver


It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching. St. Francis of Assisi

It occurs to me I am not here to preach to you.

I'm just learning to walk.

and samba.

How am I doing?

Tudo vai terminar
Tudo era um tormento
Deixa isso tudo passar
Vem viver este momento
dos momentos

7 comments:

masonmft said...

I don't want to scare you...but I'm a gonna do it. This chemo brain of which you speak sounds a whole lot like "menopause mind". So just in case it is still around when this chemo is done I suggest the men in your house learn to duck and cover. Think of it as cardiovascular exercise. Love You

writergirldreams said...

you had to go and say that didn't you, mft. It occurred to me. Are you telling me I have gone from blond brain to chemo brain on top of menopausal brain? I'm scared to ask what's next after that? don't tell me. surprise me. you had to go and say that didn't you. dang. as for the men in my house, they'll be ok. when this is all over, i'm going into the peace corp, or to Brazil to learn portugese so i can sing back-up while i samba in a thong.

masonmft said...

So when you say mft do mean marriage family therapist or motha f therapist. Maybe I should join you in Brazil.

Kim said...

A friend of mine just finished reading all of your entries today. She LOVES your writing and I'm sure will continue reading along with sharing with other friends. She thinks that at some point you should turn this into a book. I have to say that I agree. Chemo brain or not you are beautiful and don't ever forget it.

kim said...

Here is a poem I read that made me think of you.

"Poem for an Amazing Person"

Did I make a difference for having been here?
Did I tell someone in my life about an issue that was bothering or hurting me?
Did I help someone through a difficult situation? or touch their heart?
Did I make someone think, or laugh, or grin?

Was I a good teammate, acquaintance, or friend?
Did I remember friends' birthdays and honestly care?
Did I change someone's mind for a second or stand on my own two feet?
Did I live each moment - even the hard parts - with all my heart?

You are an amazing person who does these kinds of things every day.

writergirldreams said...

Kim, you trying to make me cry girl? "Did I live each moment - even the hart parts - with all my heart?" yes. yes. yes. Some nights I ask myself, why the hell are you writing this blog, nobody wants to read this cancer obsessed boring shit day after day. Then I kick my inner critic's ass and tell her to sit down and shut up. and then I write another day. I will keep going, if you will keep reading. hugs girl.

and Ann, yeah mft, both a those, although I did not think of the second one but I like it. I can cuss like a sailor in my old age. It's so exhilarating. Mo fo. That is one of my favorites. thank u ann, for all your cheering for me, i need to get you a uniform and pom poms. thank u ann. xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Please publish. you have a gentle loving heart that feels deeply, and a writer's soul. your words are uplifting, especially to those who are living what you are. the ones who are not, perhaps they are learning to life fuller lives.
thank you, and many healing thoughts

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