Saturday, July 17, 2010

A Moment of Silence

Tonight I'd like to ask everyone for a moment of silence in memory of the five flavors retired by Baskin Robbins.  Please bow your heads and place a spoon over your heart for:

French Vanilla
Caramel Praline Cheesecake
Campfire S'mores
Apple Pie a La Mode
Superfudge Truffle

That is just, sniffle sniffle, it's just, sniffle, so sad.  I hate change.  I hate that the only way to make space for new things to arrive, is to let old things go.  Damn I hate that.

May I have a moment to myself?



What a difference between last Saturday and today!  Hurrah!  I could not sleep last night, another night wide awake till after 4 a.m.  Woke up this morning feeling red faced, and my incision looked blistered.  Uh oh I thought.  The redness and flashing lasted most of the day, but never got any worse.  It did not go to my arms like last week, and by this evening I had started to cool down and felt pretty darn good for how little sleep I've gotten the last two nights.

It was a big difference.  I even cooked a 50's dinner tonight, right out of Ozzie and Harriet.  Meatloaf and real mashed potatoes, cauliflower and broccoli, a little steamed cabbage with butter, and a spinach salad with poppy seed dressing.  I almost forgot the mushroom gravy with a splash of Fess Parker Pinot.  Nothing like comfort food when you are feeling comforted by the change in weather!

I feel as if I have turned the proverbial corner, feeling so much better physically and mentally.  My lab numbers are showing signs of the chemo, some numbers that should be low are high, and numbers that should be high are low, but overall, what a difference without the nausea, dizziness, headaches, melancholy and three tequila floor.

It feels great, as if I am returning to some sense of my life.  I feel more like myself.

Looking back now, can I just say, that was terrible.  Absolutely terrible.  What a white knuckle rollercoaster of lows and lower.

Now I can really toss my pink cap into the air and hope I never ever in my life have to go through AC chemo again.

Ever.

Now where was I?

That's what it feels like.  Like I was sucked through some portal and into The Twilight Zone, and for weeks and weeks my life and my world became so small.  Small.  Small.  Smaller.

My house.  My room.  My bed.  Writing my blog.  Getting poked (and not the good kind).  Getting chemo.  Opening bottles of pills.  Feeling sick.  Feeling down.  Feeling really really tired.

My world became so very small and most of it was lived inside my head.

That's what happens when you feel sick, and tired, and sick and tired, you live inside your head.

I'm coming out now.  It feels great.

Peek a boo!

Here I am.

I wore my wig for about half hour today.  I looked awful cute, with my "hair" kind of pinned up and little wisps hanging down.  I got too hot though.  When you are bald and flashing and flushing everywhere, you can't stand anything on your head.  I do love my wig though.  Before putting it on, I brushed it and put some hot rollers in it.  Well not hot, just rolled it up cold.  Then I put the wig on with all the curlers in so I could feel at home, like I used to, like Frenchie.  I had a good laugh seeing myself in the mirror, wearing a wig rolled up with curlers on my bald head.

I think I looked like my fifteen year old self.

Sometimes I still kill myself, as in, make myself really laugh.

Do not underestimate the power of humor.

It can save your life while you are trying to save your life.

Also, do not underestimate the power of stool softeners while you are on chemo.

It can save your life while you are trying to save your life.

From Baskin Robbins headquarters:

We occasionally need to retire some flavors to the Deep Freeze to make room for our new creations.

Here's to stool softeners, a wig in curlers, feeling better, and the happy service of five flavors of ice cream going to the deep freeze to make room for something new and better.

Here's to looking ahead to something new and better, being grateful for what was, and God help me, brave enough to let it go to make room for a new creation.

Amen.

.

1 comment:

Jane said...

One of my fav.s. You communicate AMAZINGLY!! Unless we are just from the same planet and I Understand you!!! Either way...Amazing! Shared your blog on my Facebook...watch out for a ton more readers!
Jane

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