Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Shining, Gleaming, Streaming, Flaxen, Waxen

Guess what I did today?  She squeals like a teenager.

Go on, guess, notice anything different about me?

I got HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair.
Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen.

Give me down to there hair, shoulder length or longer hair
Here baby, there, momma, ev'rywhere, daddy, daddy.

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Hair, hair, hair. Flow it, show it, long as I can grow it, my hair.

I got some hair today.  Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Thank you GoldenWings, my wonderful friend/lovely hairdresser; we went to breakfast today and while we were out, she suggested let's go look at hair.

I tried so many wigs on, it was fun.  Short hair, long hair, golden hair, brunette hair, oh hair, hair, how I've missed you hair.

When I'd put each wig on, I'd have to walk around the place, like when you are trying on shoes and you have to walk around in them and look at them in several mirrors.  I had to test drive each wig, how did I look sitting down, standing, walking up to you, turning around?

Oh hair.

When I made my final decision after so much fun, a cry burst out of me.

"Oh oh" GoldenWings reached for me.  "What is it, what are you feeling?"

First of all, thank you for that GoldenWings.  You didn't try to fix it or make it go away or look away, you simply said "What are you feeling?"  May I just say that is one of the most honoring things you can say to another human being?  I will try it more often.

"I, I," I choked it out.

"I'm just so tired of people pitying me."  I was overcome.

"Now I can go out in the world and just blend in" I cried.  Ah.  Relief.

How ironic?  So much of this girl's life was getting noticed, not blending in, sparkling, and now,

what I wouldn't give to go out into the world and not have people look at me, with pity.

Now I can do it.

Cause I got hair.

Long brunette hair with a few blond highlights.  OMG.  I've been a golden blond my whole life with big big hair.  Look at me, long brunette hair.

I think I look sexy and interesting and you aren't sure what I might say or do next, but you know it will be good.  Ha!

When you are a blond, people have such reactions and opinions and impressions and ideas about blondes.  They have programmed reactions to you because of that hair.  Really, it's true.

I think a brunette stands on her own and makes her own impression.  I don't know if any of this is true, but it feels like it.

Ok I admit it, I feel like the chunky 51 year old Jennifer AnistonLMAO!  At myself.

I am happy.  Can you tell?

I can't explain it.  Ok I'll try.

Every place you go and every single person that sees you when you have a scarf on, they know you don't have hair.  They know something is really wrong.  People have been so kind and so loving to me, even strangers.  They can't help but pity you.  They do.  Come on, admit it, even you have pitied me.

Every time you look at me, and some of you can't even look at me, you see my cancer.  Every single time.

I see it too.  Every time I wrap another pastel scarf on my head, twist it and knot it and make sure its snug, I see my cancer.

Today, I got a break from seeing my cancer.  I just see a lady with hair.

I don't regret waiting this long to get hair.  I needed to see myself bald.  I needed to absorb myself bald.  I needed to find a way to love myself bald.

Been there.  Done that.  Now hand over the effing hair and nobody gets hurt!!!!!!!!!!!

Now there are moments, with this hair on my head, where I don't see my cancer.  Spaces of time, relief, where I don't see my cancer. 

I just see me.  As a brunette.  With straight hair.

Aw.  Look at me.  There I am.

Hello baby.  Look at you as a brunette.

Aw.

Hello Debbie.

5 comments:

masonmft said...

Well everyone, Deb's picture on my very small phone is hot. Just one thing...can you feel the difference between empathy and pity. When "they" look you in the eyes it's empathy. Ok people...go for the eyes. Love her in the eyes.

goldenwings901 said...

Oh Deb, what a beautiful day I had being with you. I loved seeing you transform right before my eyes. The tears and the smiles will forever be in my memory. I feel honored to have been a witness to such joy and beauty. Thank you for that gift.

Julie said...

Wow, Deb that is sooo great. I can't
wait to check out your sexy new look.

writergirldreams said...

I like that mft, when you look me in the eyes, that is empathy. Even so, I never thought I would need a rest from all that empathy, but I sure do. Can everyone keep loving me in the eyes though?

Goldenwings, I am still so excited today, I feel like I have a fuzzy new puppy on Christmas morning, but its my wig!!!! I have decided, I want lots of wigs! I'm going to be like Cher or Patti LaBelle, and go crazy with the hair!!!!!

Today Anne of Green Gables is driving me up to have lunch at my job, and she/they don't know about my sexy wig. I can't wait! I may get tired and move like an old lady, but honey, I ain't seasick and I have porn hair! Life is good today!!!!!

Woo hoo she screams!!!!!!!!!!

goldenwings901 said...

Oh you sassy girl you....... hope you had fun!

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