Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Jam Up and Jelly Tight

I vaguely remember a song, from the late 60's I think, it was called Jam Up and Jelly Tight.  Don't even remember what it was about, it just had one of these catchy melodies with lyrics that get stuck in your brain and drive you insane.

Jam Up and Jelly Tight.  My my my baby, you're outta sight.

They used to say those kind of things back then, "outta sight."  Now they say things like "hecka tight."

This is how boring and pathetic my world has become, doing what I can to stretch out this tight tight arm, and then these things come to me, and I add to my suffering by getting a song stuck in my head that I never really liked in the first place.

Jelly tight.  I have been doing the eency weency spider exercise, letting my fingers do the walking.  I don't think it's helping much.

Last night, I had my robe on while writing my blog, I was sitting on my bed.  It occurred to me, why do I have my robe cinched so so tight?  I loosened the bow and untied it.

Oh.  Wasn't my robe at all.  This tightness is INSIDE.  It feels as if I should be able to loosen it, like something is around me, and I should be able to loosen it.  It hasn't loosened yet.

I'm sleeping more, slept several hours last night, woke up early, then fell asleep and slept a few hours more.  I've been hoping and hoping for more sleep, and this morning, when I got out of bed after 11 a.m., I felt guilty.  It was weird.  Like I was supposed to be doing something else or supposed to be somewhere.

I have that feeling often lately, like I am supposed to be somewhere, I just can't remember where.  I only know when I get that feeling and look at the clock, that was the time I was supposed to be there.  And now I'm late.

I have never not worked.  Not since I got my worker's permit at 15 and a half.  I have never in my life been off of work this long.

Recovery and healing is my job right now.  I hope it's working.  I've always been a good employee. How will I know if I'm doing a good job?  How do I measure that?  Will I get a review?  Will I eventually get promoted to wellness?

My world seems so small right now, cause it is, so small and focused on what my body has to say.  Everyday.

Feels like these doggie girls and I wait for the boys to come home, that is when the day starts, and the house comes alive again, filled with the sound of them.

When I ask Robin how his day was, he says "Adequate."  That is his newest thing.  It makes me laugh.

I like making him laugh.  You don't know this about me.  I can imitate the Elmo voice.  I can sing Elmo's song, about Elmo's world, and it makes Robin laugh.  He also loved when I did that when he was a baby.  Except the one time, I sang so loud, only a couple of words in, his lip quivered and he cried, I scared the baby poop out of him.

This recovery thing requires great patience, diligence and spirit.  It is slow slow tedious work.  I know at some point I will turn a corner and will start feeling better physically.  I don't know how people with chronic illness or those confined to a wheel chair or with other types of physical disabilities cope with all those continual limitations.

I am finding it a real challenge to live in a world that is so small, so much of it spent in my head.

The tree in our front yard is breathtaking beautiful right now, all shades of moss green to burnt orange.  The spectrum of color is spectacular, all on this one tree, all for us, every year.  There are so many dry and crisp leaves all over the lawn and the flagstone path leading to the front door.

I crunched leaves today.  I stepped and crunched.  Crunch.  Crunch.  Crunch.

It is Fall.

I forgot.

I love the Fall.

Have you crunched some leaves yet this Fall?

What are you waiting for?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey girl, I'm waiting for your water call. I dropped my phone the other day, had to get new one and lost some #'s, yours was one of them, so please give me a call. I could bring the triplets to see, you they love Elmo (haha) and we did crunched leaves the the day. Hang in there a new day is coming. Naniglenda

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