Thursday, December 30, 2010

I Wish You Could

I don't remember anymore what it's like worrying about the maybe's.  I used to do that a lot, tossing and turning, and mulling like spiced cider the what ifs.  What a luxury that was, a silly preoccupation, I realize now.

I don't remember what it's like to live each day just doing the normal stuff.  I don't remember what it's like making the small stuff big stuff.  I don't remember.

Every single day since April 21, 2010, has been dealing with the factual, the actual, living in reality, trying to move a mountain, living in the shadow of the mountain.

I walk into a room past a door that is seven inches thick with radioactive symbols everywhere.  I lay on a table draped with a white sheet.  I turn my head to the right while they bolus my breast, rigging me up, then pulling the sheet under me to move me in centimeters, then adjust me in millimeters so the targets line up.

They get me just where they want me and then they leave me saying "We'll be right back" and I say "I'll be right here."

I watch for the beam light to click on.

BEAM ON.
BEAM ON.
BEAM ON.
BEAM ON.

The machine moves around me into another position.  Shutters inside shift and click. Red lines of laser light cross like swords above me.

BEAM ON.
BEAM ON.
BEAM ON.
BEAM ON.

I think about things while I lay there, I think about my life.  I think about you.  A tear often slides down my cheek.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I am lonely, alone in there.

I wish you could see me in there.

BEAM ON.
BEAM ON.
BEAM ON.
BEAM ON.

Maybe it would give you clarity, maybe it would help you let go, maybe it would make you say "I love you" more, maybe you would take better care of yourself, maybe you would lead with your heart, maybe you would let the small stuff be small stuff, and realize how absolutely lucky you are not to live in the shadow of this mountain.

I wish you could see me in there.

I wish you could.

It would change you.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Finding your blog & meeting you this year have been a blessing to me & my family, I really believe with all my heart that God sent you into my life to impart all the things you say you hope we are getting i.e., don't sweat the small stuff, love more, taking care of & being grateful for our lives & health & for a new friendship that I hope will continue to grow & bud into a lifetime. God Bless you & Thank You!! Hope 2011 will be a Happy, Happy New Year for you!!!!!! Naniglenda

masonmft said...

Happy New Year! Sometimes that saying just isn't enough. So Happy, Healthy, Prosperous, Loving, Blessed, Quiet, Full (of all the above) New Year. xoxox

writergirldreams said...

tanky Nani, for opening your heart to me and making a space inside it for my words and the love behind them. God is blessing me, even when I can't find him. Sometimes I look so hard and then the lamp lights my feet, and i see i am in the palm of his hand. thank u for reminding me Nani when i forget.

tanky Ann, my faithful fan, from ur stubborn donkey girl, biting rocks. see me learning?

wgd

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