Thursday, February 17, 2011

Heart On My Sleeve

These last few weeks since finishing treatment, it felt like I was in a bubble, protected, as I quietly focused on getting my bearings, reviewing/purging/filing memories, and doing what I can to assist my body as it works hard to repair what cancer treatment damaged.

The real world has intervened this week.  It's been an emotional one, with life's paradoxes and contradictions and affirmations and blessings rushing in together, like invited and unwanted guests at a party.

Love has come to me from strangers, and eluded me from some I love most, grand news and devastating news came hand in hand, and tonight I am feeling emotional and overwhelmed and selfish.

A simple thing happened this evening, when I went to purchase a new cell phone because of recent problems with mine.  They were not able to download all the various things I had stored on my old phone.  My address book was saved, but all the photos and videos and audio recordings I made this last year are stuck inside the old phone and cannot be accessed.    Photos I took of family and pets, walks and angels.  Recordings made of songs not completely written but already loved.  Videos of my precious boys doing their thing.  Many self portraits taken throughout treatment.

As I drove home, I was worked up, unlike me, and I felt puzzled as my tears were mixed with anger and frustration.  It was like losing a favorite irreplaceable photo album; I can see some of the pictures in my head and can't get to them now.

What was stored on that phone could not account for the utter grief I felt over it.  I've been thinking about it and this is what I came up with.  There is a huge undercurrent of loss in my life right now, as I continue to process what has happened, what I will never get back, and that tragedy and grief did not arrive and then go with my cancer diagnosis.  Good continues to happen.  Bad continues to happen.  That is the nature of this life.  and it ain't all about me.

Absolute suffering.  Absolute joy.  Holding on.  Letting go.
Destruction.  Reinvention.  Regret.  Redemption.
Open.  Closed.  Embraced.  Alone.  Punished.  Forgiven.

I guess the phone thing opened a door to all of that tonight.

Sometimes the most fragile child in me
takes my woman's heart
and places it on my sleeve,
hoping somebody will see,
come and rescue us,
tell us,
me and her,
there there now,
everything will be ok.

Lie to her.

It won't work on me.  Too grown up.

Good luck with that.

3 comments:

Mimi said...

What an eloquent post. I'm so sorry you lost so many things on your phone and in yourself.

Hugs & love,
Mimi

kim said...

Everything will be ok. You should both believe that. Love you!!

rochambeau said...

I'm sorry to hear that you lost all your valuables from your phone! You are right Writergirl~ When there is too much loss at one time it feels like life will never be happy again. I've found a silver lining though. After getting through hardships, it seems that joys are so pronounced it is hard to describe! I have a feeling you are going to know what I mean~

Love,
Constance

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