Thursday, March 10, 2011

Another Bend in the Road, Continued

"The good news is your ovaries and fallopian tubes look fine, and your pap smear was normal as well.  That is all good news.  What we are concerned about is some areas of your uterus that are substantially thicker than the rest.  That is what I am going to biopsy today, the endometrial lining of your uterus."

So I put my feet in the stirrups and got ready for the most dreaded biopsy, way way way up there, where the sun don't shine.  U ever have one, a uterine biopsy?  Let me tell you, it hurts and you feel so vulnerable, all spread open to reveal your orchid parts.

It started with inserting an even bigger speculum, if you can believe it, to open my sacred temple and keep the curtains back during the show.  My cervix, the gatekeeper for my uterus, was dilated.  Once in, pieces of tissue are sucked out or cut out for a sample.  Before they do this, they clamp your cervix with a device called a tenaculum to hold it in place during the procedure.  Your cervix responds with a sharp cramp, like a contraction during labor.

It was my experience that neither the cervix or the uterus take very kindly to any of this, and complain with intense cramping and lower abdominal pain.

She suggested I use slow deep breaths to get through the procedure, like the breathing I learned in Lamaze.  I did the breathing, and tried to focus on my breath and the sound of my breath, while my uterus and cervix fought valiantly against the torture and invasion.

Husband sat beside me, and I thought about the last time I gripped his hand this tight while breathing loudly and rhythmically, with a doctor between my knees.

Husband.

I often wonder what you're thinking.  I often wonder how you feel watching me go through this.

I see you quiet and steady yet shaken, few words, a terrible poker face no matter how hard you try.

I close my eyes, I breath through the pain and discomfort and uncertainty.  Thank God before I left home, I took the ibuprofen and Vitamin A.  Maybe I should have taken Ativan and Vicodin, a little Atta Girl Vicotini.

About ten minutes in, I weep.  She patted me.

"Do you need me to stop?"

"No" I whimpered.  "It's not that, it's just..."

"I know" she said gently, "You've already been through so much, and I'm so sorry you are having to do this too."

I tried not to sniffle and whimper, but the tears burned my face and choked in my throat.  I felt dizzy and sick.  I thought about what the Good Witch said, about taking things one step at a time and not getting ahead of myself.

"Just a couple more minutes to go, then I need to cauterize the areas I cut to stop the bleeding.  Once I make sure the bleeding has stopped, we will be done.  I was able to get a good sample."

I felt the burn and the sting.  Even after it was done, and all instruments of torture were removed, I was still deep breathing.  The cramping stopped, my body relaxed, another hurdle jumped.

"It will take about a week to get the results.  Let's get you scheduled to see me next Wednesday, and we'll go from there.  You may have some cramping this evening, and some spotting the next few days.  Don't be alarmed if the blood looks rusty; I used some iodine to sterilize the area.  I recommend you take more ibuprofen the next day or two, and get some rest."

"Do you have any pads?" I asked.  "I got rid of all that stuff."

"Sure" and she opened a drawer and handed me one.  She gave me an empathetic look and small smile.  "I'll see you next week, and if I hear anything sooner, I'll call you" then she left the room.

I stepped down from the table and Husband handed me my panties and pants. I put the pad inside my panties, and got dressed.

I looked at him, and thought about us as happy teenagers.  He was such a sweet lovesick thoughtful boy, and would often bring me a rose to school, the bottom of the stem wrapped in foil.  He would present it with pride and hopefulness.

He does not realize that his reliable presence through all of this, is as if he is still handing me roses.

Their petals are scattered at my feet, and soak up my tears.

Now, we wait.

2 comments:

Sharon's Cottage Quilts said...

Debbie, I am weak at the thought of you having to go through this. Just weak. I read this post last night and I couldn't post a comment...I was just so sad. But I went to bed and layed there for so long thinking of you, praying for you. When I awoke this morning you were on my mind right away and I knew that I had to come back and write to you. I admire you so much for your courage and your humor, and your strength of faith. I am praying for you, my church is praying for you, and my friends and family are praying for you. So...I'm standing in belief for a good report. I am toasting to your good health with a glass of cranberry juice and a vitamin A!! God Bless your sweet heart. Hugs~Sharon

writergirldreams said...

Sharon, thank you so very much. I left a comment on your blog, but I thought I'd answer here too. I'm a little weak too. Deep breath. Doing my best. Thank you for all the prayers and thoughts of me on your mind.

I am so blessed by all the people who have been touched by my blog, then return the kindness to me. It's what keeps me going. Really.

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