Saturday, March 19, 2011

Why Not Me?

I get incredible emails and personal messages each week from Sisters who are just discovering my blog.  They are going back to the very beginning and reading from my very first post, Mother's Day 2010.


Many of them are newbies, just diagnosed.  They devour all those early posts, the ones where I am waiting for a diagnosis, the ones where I tell my children their Mama has breast cancer, the ones where my hair first starts to fall out, the ones where I can't sleep and start rambling about all kinds of things that have nothing to do with cancer.


I cry late at night when I read the messages from them and hear their stories, just like mine.  I remember those first few weeks after my diagnosis.  It's so scary.  It's so unbelievable.  I felt so betrayed by my body, and forgotten by God.


This can't be happening.


Am I on a timeout?  I often wondered.  How did this happen to me?  Why did this happen to me?  I'm not one of the sick people.


I see things so differently now.
I admit to my former sense of entitlement, based on delusion and illusion and magical thinking.


The truth is
why not me?


Did I think I was better or safer or luckier or nicer or more blessed?


Cancer doesn't give a shit.  Cancer doesn't care if you are kind to animals, or tithe in church. Cancer doesn't care if you have small children, or are newly married.  Cancer doesn't care if you've just faced some other huge tragedy in your life.  Cancer doesn't care.


You can't really be angry at the cancer I suppose.  It's not personal.  Cancer thinks it is being productive and doing its job.  It does not realize in its proliferation of self that it is killing you.


Some things that happen in life you just can't take personally, even though it is very personal to you.

When you face adversity . . . don't ask: Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? Rather ask: What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial?  Richard G. Scott


I so appreciate every message from another grateful Sister, thanking me for my open and raw musings about every aspect since diagnosis.  They wonder where I draw my strength and courage from.


That one always cracks me up, cause I have been so scared every step, every procedure, every treatment.  I don't even know how I've done what I've done, given how much I hate the doctor's office and needles and taking medicine and feeling sick.


It must be all your prayers and lifting me up.  "Here comes another one for writergirldreams" the angels must say.


I didn't have some plan or idea about what this blog would be or mean or become.


I just didn't know what else to do,
and hoped someone
would listen.


Now I listen.  To Them.  My Sisters.

I wish I could teach a class for newbies, like a Cancer Camp 101.
Sure, I've got all kinds of insider cancer tips, oh goody,
but mostly all I would do
is hug
and listen.
  

4 comments:

Mimi said...

Your last bit of advice is priceless. It's so often hard to know what to do to help a friend out in situations like these.

Hugs & love,
Mimi

Susan said...

I think YOU are a great help to others in your situation. and You can say why me, but it is better to say why not me.

Additionally you are right Cancer doesn't care. neither do all the other can-be-fatal diseases. However God IS supposed to care. Over the past 7+ years I have many times questioned my belief and faith, then in the last 5 years, it became harder and harder to believe, and 4 years ago, was the final straw, when my great-niece was born with a a WILL-be-fatal disease. her life is far, far from normal, and she endures EXCRUCIATING pain daily, sometimes, she turns blue and stops breathing the pain is so bad, she is riddled with Infections (that is what will eventually take her life). Her mother was told to NOT try to become pregnant again, as all of her children have something wrong with them(the oldest was 18, the youngest 10), and they live paycheck to paycheck and have had different utilities shut off from time to time, and have filed Bankruptcy, and have faced foreclosure etc. (By this time, they have lost their home, after the entire town chipped in to build a sterile changing and treatment room on the house with wheelchair access for my great-niece)
They were in no position to have another child, but my niece was selfish and wanted a baby for all the wrong reasons:
1. her younger sister was started to try for their first baby, (and she was on the clock due to MS meds)She always felt she was in her younger sister's shadow, and now if she had a child, then the older wouldn't be the only one with grandchildren
2. They had recently moved out of state into the far boondocks of PA Mountains, and was lonely and bored
3. She did NOT want to go back to work

So she went against everyone's advise including doctors and got pregnant, she had rosey glasses on and went around bragging that the baby was going to be a girl, and that she was going to be perfect. (when i spoke to her about no one being able to predict the future, and I was perfect example, as I would have never guessed that 5 years after getting my degree, and building a career i would be disabled)
She didn't care about anyone's advise. Her hubby really did not want another child, but gave in. when I have had conversations about this situation with christians, and christian leaders, several of them said the same thing...the baby was born like that, to teach a lesson to my niece...to be thankful for what she has.

Isn't our God supposed to be loving? if so then why punish an innocent child to punish the mother?

and what about tolerance...gays etc.
There is much contradiction in the christian religion. After MUCH soul searching and research, it is my true belief that there is no God, as I was raised to believe. No monotheastic God.
I believe in Jesus, as I do in other great men of enlightenment...Mohammed, Buddha, Moses, The Dali Lama, Mother Teresa etc.
but no god, not that God, it has been proven to me many tens of times over...he doesn't care, therefore he is not there. I have gone back to the beliefs of my ancient and older ancestors, the Native Americans, and some Europeans.

I didn't post this to try to talk you into anything, but to say not only does Cancer not care, Neither does God.

Any strength you are given, is coming from yourself, all the power is of your own making, your higher thoughts, your deeper mind. I love reading your blog, as to me it is testament of the will and power of humans!
Hugs,
Susan

Jane said...

Again, honest and inspiring. You know I am first in line on the registration for camp!

Mollye said...

Honey You ARE teaching C101. And doing a mighty fine job of it. You'll never know this side of heaven how many people you have helped and inspired. XXXXMollye

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