Friday, April 22, 2011

I See Now, said the Little Fish

It is a rare person who can pierce the veil between ordinary life, consumed with matters of physical survival, and pursuit of the empowered path of purpose and meaning unless he or she is motivated by a crisis. Most often we require the failure of some system of power that we rely on before we take action.  Caroline Myss


Yesterday I needed you to hear the hard stuff.  Yesterday I needed you to be reminded, for myself and all my Sisters out there, how this cancer thing and its treatment shakes you out and knocks you down and leaves you whimpering.  Yesterday I needed to recount to you my breast cancer badges of courage, and Baby, there were so many of them.  Am I right Sistah's?  Let me hear an Amen from the Sisterhood of the Cancerous Breasts!


Yesterday I grieved my one year cancer-versary.  When I got home from work, and took off my fake boobs, and looked at myself in the mirror, examined every scar, massaged toes that won't wake up, and took stock of what remains, I cried and felt those losses, the built-in unavoidable losses that come with a cancer diagnosis and treatment.  Yesterday.

Tonight I am ready to begin telling you more
about all the ways I've been blessed
and opened
and changed
and shot like a rocket towards
my unfolding good.


Tonight I need to begin the witness of the sacred and divine and holy things that came to me, like a butterfly on my bald head.  Tonight I need you to hear about the ordinary miracles and tender gifts that arrived, hand in hand with my cancer diagnosis.

I can't say I'm happy this happened to me, but this is what I know for sure now.  When it did happen, when I cried and held out my hands and prayed for direction and gave this fear and sorrow a voice, grace flooded into my life and my heart, with an awesome abundance that cancer's losses were no match for.

You remember one of my favorite quotes about "I was a man riding an ox searching for an ox to ride."

I was a little fish,
searching for meaning and wellness and deliverance,
never realizing I was swimming in a colossal ocean
of eternal grace and infinite love.

Sometimes Little Fish, bad things happen.
I have been witness to the leviathan good that is already set in motion before the bad is even a hint.

I was inspired on Mother's Day last year to leave my comfort and anonymity and do something extraordinary for me.  I made a vow to write this blog, get naked for you, come what may.  I kept my vow, day by day, walking, crawling, carried, given in real time and without editing.  It was important and needed and powerful, and every day I still get unbelievable messages of its impact and new followers to the blog.  Many of them newly diagnosed Sisters who go back and read the blog from the beginning.  Hello Sistahs!!!  As they lose their hair, they read about when I lost mine.  As they experience the gut wrenching triathlon of cancer treatment, chemo/surgery/radiation, they read about when I did them all.  Every post, coming up on one year now, of show and tell.

The writing of this blog has changed my life.  Bravo.  Bravo.  I am proud of me.  I helped myself.  I helped you.

I am ready now to move beyond recounting the details and treatment and science and being a patient, to tell you more about what else I take with me now.  It is so much more than what I wrote about yesterday.  It is the sacred ordinary.

I have arrived at a new destination and way of looking at my life that could only be reached passing through each portal of Cancer Camp, another veil removed.  I no longer question that this was necessary and essential for me.

For my soul to get here,
I had to go there.

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.  Denis Waitley

Come closer Dear Reader, let me whisper to those who sleep through life.  Let these words fall on your ears like thunder, waking you, piercing the veil, absent of crisis.

You don't have to have breast cancer to get this Baby.

Let me talk to you about the depths of my love and gratitude,
and the abundance of grace in my life.


I see now,
said the Little Fish,
the ocean I've been swimming in all along.


I see now.

2 comments:

Martha said...

It's the blessings that get us through this, isn't it? Blessings of family and of friends (both old and new). Happy Easter.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sweet Lady ~
You have enriched my life more than words can say. Hugs and Kisses to you and your family. xoxox

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