Thursday, July 21, 2011

This Time Last Year

I was browsing through some of my posts from this time last year.  I was only half way through chemo, and Tink was pissed folks.

Wow what a summer that was, on chemo, dwindling estrogen, and bald.  What a summer.  and what did I have to look forward to?  A double mastectomy and radiation.  What a summer.

Sometimes when I go back through the blog, and everything I went through, shit, I don't even know how I did it.  I really don't.

I do know I was carried by all of you, Dear Readers, and my Sisters, and my family and friends and coworkers, and a faith that was tested but hung on.

I am still working through the kinks of what is left from chemo damage, and surgery too.  Sometimes these radiation knots in my chest hurt like the dickens.  I'm wondering if most of that scar tissue will get cut out when I get the reconstruction done.

I need to decide by September whether or not to go ahead with the reconstruction in November, or wait until after the first of the year.  I'd like to get it done, I'd like it all done and over with, but I am dreading going through it.  I ain't gonna lie.

I know what breast surgery is like, and this one will be a real doozy because I'll be having a tummy tuck as well, which is what my new boobs will be made of.  I will be in the hospital at least a week, and the recovery time will be 2-3 months.  I'll have drains again, that will be in at least two weeks or more, and the first couple weeks after a DIEP procedure, they don't even want you to stand up straight.  It's some major stuff.

Oh boy.

I really don't want to do it.  Yes yes, I want the end result, but I really don't want to go through it.

and there's another little thing...

I admit Sisters, I have this secret fear that after the surgery I'll wake up with no new boobs and they'll tell me, we couldn't do it, we found more cancer.

This is what it's like, this damn cancer thing - it's like being struck with lightning and you're never sure if it will strike again and if you'll survive the next one.  I know plenty of Sisters who have had recurrences.  As one Sister Suzy put it "I'm back on the chemo train again."

Now that I've been there done that with ONE FULL YEAR OF CANCER TREATMENT, I just don't know if I could do it again if I had to.

Well lemme put it this way.
I know I could do it.
I just wouldn't want to.

Lord God in heaven, I got enough street cred already right?  I never want to do this again.

The truth is, it happens all the time, that's why the first five years are so important.  The cancer has the highest risk of returning in the first two to three.

I remember last Fall, I couldn't imagine going months and months with no boobs.  I was devastated I couldn't get my reconstruction done at the same time as my primary surgery.

Now I'm seriously weighing am I ready to do this?

I
don't
know.

2 comments:

cheri said...

Booooo! Why can't they just fill flopsy and mopsy with some love saline or silicone implants and you go on your way? I had a left mastecomy in March, I am hoping for "redisigned taa-taas" at Christmas, once I get thru radiation. Hugs to you sweet sister!
Cheri

Anonymous said...

Oh, Deb,
My heart goes out to you. It will not be easy. Maybe you are perceiving it to be more difficult than it will be because you already know about drains and what a week in the hospital is like. But once you're there, you'll do what you need to do. And procedures will not be as frightening, because you'll know what to expect. For me, the anticipation of a new procedure was what upped my anxiety level. I know you want the final results. I wish I could wave a wand and give it to you. Maybe it isn't worth it? Maybe you're just fine the way you are? And as far as the fear of reoccurance, every cancer patient fears that. It's that ole 50/50 thing. And none of us know which 50 we're gonna get. I love you, Deb. Thanks for sharing honestly. No BS with you. It's so much what supports the rest of us.
Desertpirate

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