Saturday, October 29, 2011

Choose Me

Hello Dear Reader.

Did you think I forgot about you?  I didn't.

I come here every day, and I can see you are still reading, even though I haven't posted lately.  I keep logging in to write, so many things to tell you about, and then I don't know where to start or which is important to tell you.

Then I realized, if I keep over thinking this thing, to make it matter, I will stay stuck, and not write.

So here I am, letting you know,
I'm still here,
and have a lot on my mind,
but it's all swirling around in my head,
like a tornado,
and I just need to reach in
and grab a piece out of that chaos,
and share it with you.

Ok, reaching in,
and grabbing,
got it,
got it,
here.

I am one year and a half out from my breast cancer diagnosis, and one year out from bilateral mastectomy last October.

I did what I thought I could not do, walked out of Cancer Camp as a survivor, and learned how to live with the me I am now after cancer treatment.

I did what I thought I could not do.

My reconstruction surgery was scheduled for October 26th, but is now postponed until January 4th.  I had to get used to the idea, no new boobs for Christmas, but I'm there now, and very happy I'll be home this Halloween night, handing out candy to trick or treaters, as I love to do, and not laid up in a hospital bed.

My 25th wedding anniversary was this last week, and the same day my son Batman turned 21 and celebrated royally, and the day after was the one year anniversary of my bilateral mastectomy, and I was present and accounted for.  Still here, oh praise, oh praise, to celebrate all of it.

I have been on so many journeys within this journey.

They all keep bringing me back to the same startling glorious place.

With or without hair,
with or without boobs,

cancerous,
or cancer free,

dancing,
or crawling,

I would not give it back, even if I could.

Even if you waved a magic wand over me,
and said you could take away
every day of fear and sorrow,
pain and uncertainty,
chemo days,
bald days,
scary scary nights,
I would not give it back, even if I could.

When I went to Grace Community Church, to speak as a survivor for their special service on breast cancer awareness, I thought God had a plan.  Sending me there to deliver a gift.

I was all wrong.  God had other plans for me.  I was brought there to receive.

There was a survivor who spoke just before me.

Hello Sister Lee.

With her simple and sweet and heartfelt testimony as a 13 year survivor, she captivated the room.

She said something that just about knocked me out of my chair, and absolutely changed my life forever.

She said she used to ask "Why God, Why?  Why me?  Why me?"

As time went on, and she realized all that was brought into her life since her cancer diagnosis, the grace and abundance and good.

Now she says, raising her hand,

"Choose me Lord.  Choose me."

Wow.  Wow.

Every single day I am growing in the spirit so eloquently described by Sister Lee, the message God arranged to have delivered to me, on a Sunday morning in a gospel church with the warmest folks and best music ever.

Choose me Lord.

Choose me.

4 comments:

Jill said...

WOW... another incredible post from the amazing writer girl dreams! Congratulations on the anniversary and birthday celebrations. I think of you often and wish you much happiness and joy.

Kimberly said...

You've come a long way baby! I've been meaning to ask you how the speaking engagement went at Grace Community Church. Now I know. Fantastic! I had a patient once tell me that if she'd never been diagnosed with cancer she wouldn't have met such wonderful like me. That comment has always stayed with me. I had a couple come in recently for a wig. When we were done her husband broke down in tears. She thought they were tears of sadness. He told us they were tears of joy. He was overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers like my Mom who makes free hats for cancer patients. He said he donated earlier this year to Relay through a co-worker. He
said he never thought that he & his family would ever be in need of our services. They were so grateful we were there to help. I'm glad we were there to help too.

Hot Metal Mama said...

Hi there- a little off topic but I read your posts about neurapothy in your feet. I'm almost two months out of chemo and mine seems o be getting worse? Did yours go away and if so how long did it take? Thanks

Anonymous said...

Tink,
I wish I could be like you and get to the place where I can honestly look up and say, "choose me". I can't. If the choice was betewen me having cancer or my daughter, I would say "choose me" in a heart beat.

Someone told me that all these "trials" in my life would make me a bigger person. At that time, I asked her, who decied that I wanted to be ten feet tall?

Your spirit, like always, is trying to teach me. I'm 20 months old (1 yr and 8 months post mastectomy). I'm well into my terrible twos.

So, I'll follow your light and maybe I'll get there. Still love the stuffing out of you.

Irish BC Warrior

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