Monday, October 10, 2011

Door Number Three

Well if there's anything I learned during Cancer Camp, it's that just when you think you've got a plan and you know what to expect and how everything is going to go, along comes

Door Number Three.

The wild card least expected whole new game plan Door.

I hate Door Number Three, I admit it, and yes I've learned to expect the unexpected.

Doesn't mean I have to like it.  Doesn't mean I can't stomp around and throw a fit, in my head of course, cause I'm too courteous to throw a real hiss fit, but I can hiss like a rattler, in my head.

Expect the unexpected.

Despite all my advanced and rigorous training while in Cancer Camp, sometimes I still forget.  I'm just going along trying to make the next right decision in a constantly changing plethora of possibilities, I settle in to a decision, I gear up for the plan, and

Wham.

Door Number Three.

I cried today.
I did a whole lot of crying today, when for various reasons, and mostly financial and how state disability benefits are determined and paid, my reconstruction surgery, scheduled for October 26, has now been pushed back to January 4.

I cried today.  I did a whole lot of crying today.

I am a creature of habit.  I like plans.  I don't like surprises.  and I sure as hell hate that feeling when the proverbial rug gets pulled out from under you, and you feel yourself falling and hitting the ground like a ton of bricks, and all your little plans and hopes are shattered like a dozen eggs underneath you.

I don't know if I am getting braver or more anxious, I don't know if I am a hero or a coward, I don't know if God and the universe are using closed doors as much as open doors to lead me in a particular direction.

I don't know.  I'm just tired of swimming upstream against the other plans somebody has for me.  I'm tired.

Expect the unexpected.  Let go of your assumptions and predicted outcomes.  Accept that life is often like a deck of cards thrown into the air, and you never know how they'll all land.  It's not for you to know.  It's a surprise.

Door Number Three.

Can you find a way in your life, when Door Number Three makes a guest appearance, and it always will when you least expect it, to be ok with that, to bend, and bounce back

like Tigger?

Bouncy bouncy bouncy.

See me cry and bounce?

Sometimes walking in faith involves crying and bouncing.

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