Thursday, January 26, 2012

Anybody Seen My Pony?

Breathe.
Breathe.

Ah yes, it is easier to breathe now, I am coming round again, oh dear, where was I, and anybody seen my pony?

Thank you thank you for all your prayers, encouragement, pats, kisses and sweet sweet words,

and mostly,

for looking for me.

Don't worry.

I'm coming round again.

If I could just find that pony.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Cover Me

He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge... Psalms 91:4

Here I am, can you find me? I'm under here, come closer, under all these feathers.  Yes, that's it, closer, closer, see,

Here I am.

I've been hiding.  Under here.

I don't know where to begin, to tell you about where I've been, on some journey, trying to escape this body and living in my head and in my bed.  Again.

I knew I had turned a corner, and come out from my hiding when I noticed the trees today, stark and deep brown branches reaching out to get my attention.  I noticed trees.

I've been hiding for awhile.  Have had my head and eyes down.  I'm coming round again.

I looked at the calendar to count how long it's been, how strange, 56 days.  I was getting ready for all my plans when life had other plans for me, and this is where I've been since then.

56 days.
A knock at the door, an officer in our doorway, "I'm very sorry to inform you Ma'am, your Uncle is dead."
I claimed the body of someone I loved in the morgue.
I walked into a home with all kinds of traces of him, but no him.
I made arrangements and phone calls and closed up a huge life lived.
I had a 3 month check up with The Good Witch, everything looking good, except this nagging pain between my shoulder blades, and mostly on the right.  I thought it was just stress.
Here we go again, hunting down what we hope is not there, but could be.  Here we go again.  Waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting.
MRI.
X-rays.
"No evidence of metastatic disease. Right foraminal stenosis, cervical radiculopathy."
Six days prior to my reconstruction I had to cancel because of a pinched nerve in my upper spine.
Six days away from the new body I've been waiting for, hopefully a reasonable facsimile of me.
Six days.

I've been through Cancer Camp (five months of chemo/bilateral mastectomy/seven weeks radiation), I've been through hard labor, had two C-sections, AND passed kidney stones, and lemme tell you, nothing but nothing has ever hurt as much as a pinched nerve caused by a couple of herniated discs in my neck, and pain that radiates down your arm and wrenches your elbow and tightens your forearm, and makes your thumb and fingers feel as if they will explode off your hand.

Did I mention I burned poor little flimsy Flopsy when seeking comfort I fell asleep on a heating pad, and because I have no feeling on that left side, I was burned.  I survived seven weeks of radiation and meticulously took care of my skin while it was being uber fried, only to later have a second degree deep burn from a damned heating pad?  Are you kidding me?

I've been hiding.

Many days not even able to talk to somebody on the phone because I just hurt.  I hurt.  No new boobs and I hurt. 

For a month it was all I could do to try and manage the pain.  You take enough to make a dent in the pain and all you want to do is sleep, if you ease up to stay awake, you are in constant discomfort.  I felt as if I had fallen into a deep deep hole, underground, dirt and roots and bugs and I could not find my way out.

Hours into days into weeks.  I could not hold a book, or type, or talk to you.

I'm always searching for the deeper meaning, what is the meaning, what is the lesson, what am I supposed to take from this, why is this happening?

T said "Sometimes there is no take away.  Sometimes you just have to roll up your pants, and wade through it.  That's just how it is sometimes."

Sometimes there is no take away.

So He covered me.
Because I cried for help.
I've been hiding.
Under here.
Under all these feathers.

How could this still be so hard, when does this get easier?

So He covered me.
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