Saturday, May 29, 2010

I am naked now

It is just after noon in Positano.

A fisherman heads home. His day is done. His wife's just beginning. She carefully filet's the bass, and washes the clams and mussels. She washes the shrimp and leaves the shells and tails on. She has already picked parsley and garlic and plum tomatoes from the garden. Now she cuts the little paper envelopes that will hold the Orata al Cartoccio she makes for her husband, little gifts of steaming fish and olive oil and butter and vegetables grown for him. She assembles the little packages and splashes them with Brandy. She pours herself some in a small etched glass that looks like something you'd receive communion in.

I am receiving brandy communion too. Above me white washed houses with rambling bougainvilleas and blue doors spill down to a crystal blue sea. I am drinking, I am waiting for fish and butter and gnocchi. Soon I will be walking the Via Cristoforo Colombo to window shop and take in the view again and again.

I am headed to Santa Maria Assunta, to worship the Black Madonna under a majolica dome. She understands why I was drinking brandy just after noon. Her heart was broken too.

I am in Cannes. I am at the Carlton Hotel, drinking vintage Dom Perignon Rose. It is almost 1 pm, I have not gone to bed yet. I watched the fireworks from my room and danced most of the night with a feathered mask on my face. If you don't go to bed, then the night never has to end.

It is 5 am here. I am naked now. I cannot hide any more from me or you or my life or this cancer. I stood in front of a mirror and cut all my hair off. It is done. and I did it. I cut it with a vengeance this part of me I once loved. I cut it with a vengeance. I am spiky now and naked. I never realized how big my eyes are.

This is where I am. Here. Awake.

There is a space you maintain between us. You cannot quantify or clarify exactly its dimension. You know it instinctively, exactly when it's too little or too much or just right. That space, somewhere between distance and proximity, is where you want me. Exactly where X marks the spot.

Sometimes when you let me get to close, you run. You run hard and fast and angry. You run.

And there you find yourself, alone again, no one in the space, no one in your orbit, you cannot find me. You need me, and so it begins again. You don't need me, you just need how I make you feel about yourself when I am with you.

Many times you over calculated, spent too much. When I feel all that you bring, when I want what you hint at, when I go to bite the apple you hold and reach for what you offer, close my eyes and wait for the kiss...

There you go again. Here we go again.

Engagement without connection. That is who you have become. That is how you let your fear shape you. You could never allow someone to really see you, guts and bones and failures and frailties and tenderness. You are so afraid of being rejected at your soul's deepest places. Will not show your true face for fear of being left there, naked and unprotected and vulnerable and wanting like a small child. Like me.

It is why you have such huge reactions when I show you my most wounded self. You cringe at the sight of my humanity and tenderness for you, and your disgust of that rises up and arms itself. A stone fortress rises out of sand, seals you in and stands foreboding and formidable against anyone who dares whisper your name.

I think the universe special orders sacred teachers for us. A chance for movement, a change in direction, a new path, a slight deviation, water flows and carves into granite. And in the space between us, during the battles and in the quiet, our souls collide.

This is where we will stay forever now, because of your fear and self loathing. The water turns to ice and will remain frozen for eternity, just out of each other's reach, once and for all defining the space you maintain between us.

You taught me to let go of that which is not joined to me. To stop seeking that which does not seek me. and one last thing,

I won't look back. Don't look back.

I am unashamed and open to when sparks fly, combustion in each other's presence, lava flowing, earth scorching, fearless, all to prepare for the new world,

where a heart can crack wide open, and a seed can grow.

I am naked now. I see myself. I am a heart cracked wide open.

So a seed can grow.

The sun is coming up now.

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. Diane Ackerman.

I'm awake now. and naked. The things that stay. The things that fall away.

I have never looked more beautiful in my life.


masonmft said...

Amen Honey. Now I must go reapply my make up. You are a treasure. A treasure with really big eyes.

kim said...

Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry. You write beautifuly.

writergirldreams said...

Kim, please share the blog with whoever you'd like. That would make me happy. I am going to read from it at the Breast Cancer Support Group I am joining. Thank you Kim for reading. Spread the word. Thank you.

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