Monday, May 31, 2010

One Tequila in the Right Direction

One tequila.
two tequila.
three tequila.

hello from the floor. there may or may not be capitalization tonight, depending on if i have the strength to use the shift key.

so far, this is how it seems to go. first day of chemo, tired and shaky. day after chemo, feeling pretty good, small waves of nausea. third day after chemo,

one tequila two tequila three tequila floor.

you take your meds, you do all the stuff, but the voice says

get in your bed. lay still. behave. that is enough from you. sit. stay.

good girl.

i said don't move.

i have gone to bed far too late and not slept well these last two nights. wrestling with my dark side. hello dark side. hello god.

release my heart from this longing which does not serve.

my bed is my refuge. flannel sheets. teddy bear. lamb. night table with my special things, rocks and candles and crystals and photos and a blown glass purple heart that fits in the palm of my hand. my ipod filled with way too many melancholy selections.

my ever changing writergirldreams book club. right now? Illuminata. The Bible. When Love Meets Fear. Gone with the Wind. and this one, a compilation about love.

Love. Quotes and Passages from the Heart. Edited by B.C. Aronson

Listen to this:

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. Neil Gaiman.

Can we hear it for brother Neil?

or how bout this one:

You say that love is nonsense...I tell you it is no such thing. for weeks and months it is a steady physical pain, an ache about the heart, never leaving one, by night or by day; a long strain on one's nerves like toothache or rheumatism, not intolerable at any one instant, but exhausting by its steady drain on the strength. Henry Brooks Adams.

This one's for you henry. gulp, hello lorazapam.

i took day dreaming to a whole nuther level today, day tripping through my life on a yellow submarine scavenger hunt for my yellow hair. The few times I was up, I practiced wrapping a scarf into a turban on my bald head.

Greetings and welcome to Agrabah.

There is not much to tell you when you spend a day like this. You just get through it. I realize now I have spent many days like this, just getting through it, even when I was not married to my bed. On auto pilot in my life. missing all the miracles.

I have spent too many days married to my head. Inside my head.

I don't have any great take aways for you tonight. maybe other than get off the floor. get out of your head.

sing something. love something. kiss something. forgive something. give something. let go of something. laugh at something. bite something good. do something.

do something.

can i leave you with this image? a twelve year old boy positions his desk chair in front of my bathroom mirror. places a towel down for me to make this impromptu barber's chair more comfortable. i sit. gently he uses the electric clippers to buzz his mom's head. i look at our reflection in the mirror. he's not my baby anymore. i never dreamed this would be his rite of passage. gently manly shaving his mom's head. he was very careful and meticulous about it. important work for him. he would pat and blow on my head to check his work.

these are the moments that break your heart and make you realize you must never run away from love.

there is no other direction.


masonmft said...

Lorazepam margarita.....just might work. Could we find you a more loving book about love? Love you.

Anonymous said...

My new friend, know that I am praying for you and your family. May tonight be filled with only sweet dreams and peace. Onward

Anonymous said...

hi this is becca from novato high! I'm really really glad you came in today to meet me and alaina you made me feel so amazing!I never knew I could make such a difference in someones life!Im very thankful that you received my blanket and my letter:)I'm going to start reading your blog I hope alaina does too...your story has really moved me since Ive known some people who had cancer too..thank you for taking the time to meet me!

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