Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Finding Meaning at the holy temple of the DMV

I decided today, to get out of the crib.  I've been spending way too much time at home, and not so much out in the world.  When you don't feel good, you stay close to home.  Even when you anticipate you might not feel good, you stay close to home.  It's self fulfilling.

I had a small list of errands to run, on my own.  Very small compared to back in the day.  Very small.  Pick up reserved books at the library.  Go to DMV to obtain temporary handicapped placard.  Go to the Bank.

That was it.  3 things.  I thought about them as I lay in bed this morning.  Maybe I was being too ambitious.  It seemed overwhelming.  A little frightening.  All that time, out there, on my own.

This is what happens when you perceive solid ground has shifted into quicksand; your movements get smaller and careful and deliberate.

Maybe I should take some things off the list.  Just do one.  Maybe not today.  I could do them tomorrow.

I got up to get ready.  I'd decide on the fly.

You have to moisturize way more than your normal when you're on chemo.  You are dry.  Very dry.  Skin and mouth and nose.  Dry and not the good kind like a martini.

Hello from the ledge.  Just hand me my drink and after I've sipped, give me a push.

I almost jumped into my uniform of purple velour pants and hoodie.  I decided to take it to a whole n'other level.

I put on a fuchsia dress with a paisley print that hugged and wrapped Flopsy and Mopsy, and showed my incision scar for my chemo port.  I wrapped a pink and fuchsia scarf around my head, wore little dangly crystal earrings and a crystal drippy necklace. Bare legged with jeweled sandals.  Pink glossy lips like rosy champagne. Dark brown Guess shades.

I looked cheerfully Spring if not sexy today.  I felt sexy.  I decided I was going to work it today.  Work it.

I still wasn't sure if I'd be working it in just the Bank, or the library, or maybe DMV and library.

Surprise me.  I'll surprise me.

I went to DMV first.

Walked through the sunshine with the confidence of a neon bald lady with a signed application from her doctor for a handicapped placard.

A man in his pickup truck slowed down to take a long look.

Work it.  Work it.  This is what a sexy Scorpio with cancer looks like.  This is how I'm going to roll today.

Got in line, still working it.  A man in line was undressing me, imagining himself unwrapping my bald head while hot pink lips whispered yes.  You wish.

Here's your ticket.  Have a seat.  Watch for your number.  C018.

I sat. I waited.  Looked around.  A lady walked past me chatting on her cell phone then interrupted her conversation to say "great shoes."

I stood out.  In my pink.  In my jeweled sandals.  In my scarf.  In my attitude.

I waited.  I thought about things.  and then it was clear, sitting there in the DMV.

I can either let this cancer thing work me, or I can work my thing.

A handsome man in a dated suit walked up and said "Is this seat taken?  May I sit here next to you?"

I looked around.  Lots of empty seats.  He could not help it.  I was working it.

I sat in the DMV.  I looked at the other people waiting there.  All kinds, ages, ethnicity, stories.

I felt content.

I remembered something really important today.

I like me.

I like how I roll.

I like how I love.

I like how I give.

I like how I feel things.

I like how I search for meaning and find it.

I like how I find the extraordinary in people and mirror it back to them so they can see what they thought was lost.

I like me, sitting there in the DMV, and I can do this better.

I can do this better.

I got my placard.  It's official.  I'm temporarily disabled and parking blessed for the next six months.  Let's go try it out, shall we?

I drove to the library.  Hung my little sign.  Pulled in right up front.  This is good.

Drove to the Bank and Target and the grocery store, and worked it in each place.

Not only can I do this better, now when I'm out there working it, I won't have to worry about where to park.

Today cancer giveth.


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