Thursday, June 3, 2010

Ride Her Girl Dreams

So I go in to get my shot today. Vonda comes bounding up like a golden retriever. Vonda, please understand, from a dog lover, this is the highest honor. I tell her "I've been writing a blog, I've mentioned you, your code name in the blog is Vonda."

She lights up. Her long ponytail has a little extra giddy up in it today. "What's it called?"

Writergirldreams, I say.

"Did you say Ride Her Girl Dreams?"


"Yeah baby, I wish. Yeah that's it."

I hate it when you people upstage me.

"Yeah, I wish too" she says "wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it."

I love you Vonda.

Vonda is one hell of a shot giver. When you have to have seven burning shots from hell in as many days, it pays to have one hell of a shot giver service you. Thank you Vonda.

I can't seem to manage my nausea very well. I don't know if I'm doing this right. I take the meds. Eat small meals. Chew gum. Deep breathe. Drink lots of water. Several times during the day, even after 6 days have passed since last chemo, I still battle the nausea throughout the day. It is just shy of intolerable.

As chemo patients go, as I am learning from my new chemo friends, I am very lucky. My infusion time is fairly short, about 3 hours. Some people have to stay hooked up for 8 or 10. I have been able to cope with my side effects. I brush my teeth and rinse when my gums hurt. I try all kinds of things when I am nauseated, like creative visualization:

I am on a train to Positano with Anouk Aimee, drinking bubbles, eating oysters and removing clothing. We are in a private car with the door locked to keep out a strange weeping man who just keeps saying "she's mine, she's mine."

Sometimes I just need to lay down and sleep it off.

Is there such thing as a chemo dream? Ever wonder about that, are my dreams affected by chemo? I wonder. I know my waking moments are. Whoa. I don't want to arrive all nicey talk, let me arrive spent and bald and naughty talk...

Today I did a little grocery shopping and made some chicken enchiladas with green sauce. I moved some things around in my blog, did you notice? I went and got my shot. That was my big day. I hugged and kissed three dogs. It was a quiet day. I thought about making some phone calls, but I find talking often makes me nauseated.

Oh, and I played the piano and sang some songs. Just singing was an aerobic workout. I played some of my own songs, and a few things out of the Burt Bacharach piano book I've had since I was a teenager. "Anyone Who Had a Heart." "Promises Promises." and of course "Alfie."

"and if only fools are kind, then I guess it is wise to be cruel..."

I think cruelty is highly over rated. Do you think cruel is ever a justified choice? Where does that come from? I think somebody had to be awful mean to you when you were a kid or something. You might want to get that checked.

"Let us make a new rule from tonight, always be a little kinder than is necessary."

I don't know who said that, but I like it.

A cute guy talked to me today. I think he pitied me. Probably in his 20's, nice looking. Actually, it was kind. I think he was being kind to the lady with the turban on her head. Kinder than necessary.

Ever think about that, why is it we hurt the people we love the most? What is that? Is it to erect a wall? Is it a defensive move? Is it a test to see if the person will still love you, even though you keep putting obstacles there?

Dang. I hate it when you have to MacGyver it, you know, diffuse the bomb with 3 seconds left on the clock, and you either get the love you were hoping for or you die.

Just ignore me, some of this blog is for me, ok? I am working through some stuff, with all this time on my idle hands devil's workshop.

Hope I can MacGyver my way outta this cancer thing.

Have a PET scan tomorrow. Nuke me. Lord for once in my life, don't let me glow. Another threshold, how far into this am I? I guess I'll be finding out. and then what?

Uh you can speak up whenever you'd like. Talk to me. Talk to me.

I mean, I opened the secret door into my blond I mean bald brain, you tell me somethin.

This ain't easy. U try knocking these out every night.

Tell me somethin.

[she jumps on her horse, Silver Lining, he rears up]

Ride Her Girl Dreams... EEE HAH!!!!

Night Chemosabe.


Anonymous said...

wow i just figured out that i can feed the fish on your blog! how did you get that app? clever lady...good luck tomorrow at your PET scan. i sure do miss you and i hope that your nausea passes soon :( i feel like i'm with you every day when i read your blog. thanks for writing. love you.


masonmft said...

Holy crap you really can feed the fish. Now back to you....What you wanna know. I do feel priveleged and honored that you are working this out in plain sight. Some nights I feel like a peeping Tom. Like here is a little pink pillow with Debbie's heart and soul lying wide open, sometimes fluttering and other times pounding. So tomorrow starts the good week and the only glow is going to be your smile as you start your new "Ride Her Girl Dreams" blog. You might want to create an alias. Just to protect the innocent. Love you.

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