Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Somewhere Between Death and Birth and Boredom

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  Anatole France


Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom. Arthur Schopenhauer

See that?  Up there.  That's me, somewhere between death and birth and boredom.

This is the part nobody tells you about, this place I am right now.  Stuck yet stretched way too far.  One foot firmly and stubbornly planted in Tara - the life I am leaving, and the other foot being pulled towards the unknown Terra - my new life.

It is palpable.

- intense: so intense as to be almost able to be felt physically
- obvious: obvious or easily observed
- able to be felt: able to be felt by the hands, especially in a medical examination
Encarta World English Dictionary

I miss my hair.  I miss my job and my peeps and opening bottles of wine and writing down the 86 list.  I miss being able to sleep on my right side without a meteor in my chest.  I miss the cadence and routine of my old life.  I miss Flopsy and she isn't even gone yet.

I am tired of wrapping and twisting a scarf around a bald head.  I'm tired of one day turning into the next three.  I am tired of waiting for the good days that are at best, moments.  I am tired of - Hell, I'm just plain tired.

I am living this life in increments. 

This is the part nobody tells you about.

Since I cannot drink (a martini sounds so good right now), I think it is time to fight like a girl and pull out the cupcake pans and start baking and frosting, and watching a boy lick the spatula and bowl of its batter.

That is what I will do while I am stuck in this place between leaving and going nowhere and incrementally heading somewhere.

Boredom: the desire for desires.  Leo Tolstoy

So what did you do for your summer vacation?
Oh gosh, I had cancer and went to chemo, would you like to see the pictures?

I'm whiny tonight, ain't I though?

Send in the clowns, cause this is the stuff nobody tells you about.

This place between death and birth and boredom.

1 comment:

kim said...

On one of your earlier comments you said that I had great friends, or something like that. I want to tell you where I met these great friends. They are just a couple of the people I have met with the American Cancer Society Relay For Life. I would like to invite you to this year's Relay For Life. It is held at St. Pat/St. Vincent High School on Aug 7th. It is a fantastic, fundraising, 24 hour event. This is my 7th year and I am co-chairing this year. Next year I chair. Yea, I know, I just could not say no. All of my family comes. Emily has her own team. Mom comes as a survivor, and walks the survivor lap in the morning. Has lunch at the survivor tent and comes back for the luminary ceremony at night. I have wanted to talk to you about it, but didn't want to hit you with it right away. I think that you and your family would enjoy it, if you are up to it. It can be very uplifting and moving. Especially in the evening when all the luminary bags are lit. Here is the link to the website www.relayforlife.org/vallejoca the name of my team is Friends and Family. Call me or email me and I would be happy to give you more info. If you text me I can text back my email address.
You do not have to post this. It was mostly for you. Love to you and yours.

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