Friday, July 23, 2010

Danger. Curves Ahead.

What is destined will reach you, even if it be underneath two mountains.
What is not destined, will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips!
- An Arabic proverb

Hello Flopsy.  Hello Mopsy.  My two mountains.  Underneath you I will find my destiny.

I started growing them in the 4th grade.  I'm not kidding, my 4th grade school picture, two little perky boobies under my sweater, and a fuzzy ribbon as a headband in my hair.  I was humiliated and adorable at the same time.

Any idea what it's like to have a full rack by 7th grade?  It ain't easy.  Let me tell you.  The boys are disgusting and the girls are spiteful.  All cause of these two I was blessed with.

I was thinner in my younger days, and I'm not saying I was Dolly Parton, but when you are 5'2," ok fine, maybe 5'1," and you have a rack like Pam Anderson except it's real, it's not easy finding a cheerleading uniform that fits the bottom half and the lower half.  I did my best.  And even harder to find a boy who will look you in the eye.

You try running the President's Physical Fitness test in the days before sports bra's.  With the bleachers full of the boys' P.E. class hooting and whistling like at a rodeo.

Most of my life, I've actually been quite modest revealing Flopsy and Mopsy.  Well, except for that one summer my Mom and I spent at the beach.  Mom was a musician and got the job of a lifetime the summer after my sophomore year.  She sang and played the organ, as fine a lounge act as there ever was in her 60's teased hair and black eyeliner.  She got a job in Ventura, California, right on the beach, in what used to be the Holiday Inn.  On the top floor of the hotel, was a small lounge called the Crow's Nest.  That's where Mom played all summer.  The big name guests, like Frank Sinatra Jr., played in the large club down the hall that had a rotating pedestal so guests would slowly spin, watching the show and great views out to the beach.

Mom and I lived in the hotel that summer.  Can you imagine?  15 years old, living in a hotel on the beach, Mom works every night, and room service is your dinner.  Take a moment, think about it.  Uh huh. 

I bought myself a bikini that summer.  Tie-dyed no less.  It was and still is the skimpiest thing I've ever bought in my life.  Now mind you, I had been extremely modest regarding my body.  That summer though, while in Rome...

I have to admit.  I was hot.  Flopsy and Mopsy were at their best then.  Hot, perky and bangin!  I had one of those tans where I was so golden brown, except for the outline of my bikini on a tidy white butt if a Coppertone puppy had pulled down the back of my suit.  Very sexy.

I learned to surf that summer, taught by a local boy.  He was a surfer with wavy, beach water dirty hair with highlights and his name was Cody.  Take a moment.  Think about it.  Uh huh.

You ever been to a real life grunion run, where the beach is lit by moonlight and bonfires and little luminescent fishies?  It is pure joy and chaos and beauty.

That was also the summer I took a dare and crossed a train bridge right as the train was coming and jumped into the water below.  It was the most daring, death defying thing I had ever done and remained that way,

till now.

I got felt up the first time during my sophomore year.  That's when I realized the power of my boobs.  Could make a boy cry just touching them.

Nothing compares to the woman power of nursing my baby boys.  There is nothing like it.  Holding your little baby in your arms, feeding him from your body, and he looks up and gives you an evil smile and takes a bite.  Sorry Batman.  Hope none of your friends are reading this.  And of course Robin, he couldn't decide if he liked the booby more or his two fingers, so he'd switch back and forth while nursing.  It was almost like he was puffing a cigarette after sucking down his milky martini.

Flopsy and Mopsy aren't as hot and banging as they used to be, well, I take that back, they've been pretty banged up lately.  I still think they are hot though.  They have lots of secrets they could tell and if I have let you get up close and personal with them, you are as close to my heart as you can get, literally and figuratively.

As a woman, this woman, it is very hard and sad and fills me with such grief to think about losing these girls, two old friends that know everything about me.  Everything.

I will do my best to do what I have to do.  But I ain't going cheerfully.

Many of the times I felt my most beautiful sensual woman self, Flopsy and Mopsy were right there leading the way.

I'm just going to do my best to enjoy them while I can.  Stuffing them into a bra and adjusting them so both headlights point in the same direction.  Nothing worse than two nipples cock-eyed, one looking up, the other down.

I'm going to wear every cami I have, every lacy bra, every little spaghetti strap undershirt, and every tank top I have to show my gratitude and celebrate these girls.

Save 2nd Base.  A great name for a breast cancer organization.

If you can't save em, love em while you can.

I got the whole summer and into Fall.

Think I could still find a tie-dyed bikini?

Kiss my grits.

Better yet, kiss my tits.  While you still can.

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