Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Escape Velocity, Clenched Fists, Girl Spit, and Love

25,000 miles per hour.

That's how fast you'd have to go.

To break free.

Break free from the pull of the earth's gravitational pull.

How fast,

her former blond brain asks,

do you have to go,

to break free from cancer?

I think I need to lose some weight.  This body could definitely be leaner and lighter.

Mostly though, this brain, how do you get your thoughts lighter, all in the name of velocity?

Is hope light?

Is anger weight?

It is very difficult to maintain perspective when you are in cancer's gravitational pull, it requires so much of your attention and diligence.  You start measuring your life by the length of your treatment.  As if somehow your life has been suspended and won't resume again until treatment is over.  From these moccasins, this is how it is.

You can say all kinds of nice things to a person about looking ahead, staying hopeful, and this too shall pass, but I am here to tell you, when you are in the thick of it, it is so very hard to do.  Even when you are trying really hard.

I am trying every day to break free, to slowly shift what I can, and the only thing I can is how I think about what is happening to me.  I can't change so much of this, so much of this has already been planned for me.  Every day though, I try again to change how I think about it.

Break free.  Defy gravity, like in my favorite musical, Wicked.

Cancer takes a huge part of your attention and your day.  The only thing I can do is be very intentional and use clenched fists and girl spit when I have to, to take back as much as I possibly can for me.  Take it back.  Forcefully.

Take it back.

How does a person do this?  These are some of the things that work for me.

Walk.  Specifically in nature, preferably near water.  I'm not talkin about the high school track.  Get out on some path or trail where there are trees and birds and quiet, and water if you can.  Water is very good.  You put one foot in front of the other and you keep stepping.  It doesn't matter your pace; the longer the walk the better.  Get in nature.  Get quiet.  Focus on your breathing.  Move. 

Meditate.  Also, preferably in nature.  Find yourself some peaceful place.  There are a few places I go and still looking for new ones.  One of them is an old cemetery.  There are all kinds of statuary of angels and gothic crosses and I find a place to sit and I get quiet.  I get very quiet.  I meditate, which for me is focused breathing and trying to clear my head of all thoughts.  Every time you think, you just tell yourself "breathe."  You will find you can go longer and longer with wide open spaces in your brain.  Longer and longer.

Pray.  I say out loud "Help me.  Show me.  Forgive me.  Heal me.  Love me.  Guide me. Open me.  Soften me.  Strengthen me.  Hear me.  Hear me.  Hear me."  Then I say out loud all the names of whoever comes to mind, including my own.

Create.  Do something you are passionate about.  Something that makes your heart race and your spirit blossom and has a huge sense of urgency for you.  For me this is writing, words and songs.  Sitting down at my piano, or typing on a keyboard, is a sacred space for me. I am always pleased with myself there.

Help.  Help someone.  This can be as simple as being a force for good with as many people and animals as you can.  A smile.  A kind word.  It can be the smallest thing.  It can be the simplest thing.  It has helped me so much writing my blog and writing on some of the cancer message boards.  When someone writes back I have given them advice they used for chemo, or made them laugh, or they realized they aren't alone, WOW, I soar.

Forgive.  It requires so much energy to hold on to hurt and anger and disappointment.  Can you set yourself free?  Forgive.  For giving over to your higher power in order to set yourself free.

Love.  Oh listen to this, thank you mft, sent to me in a beautiful mermaid card bought at the Sawdust Festival in Laguna Beach.  I much rather would have been there with you, without cancer, but I'll take the card :)

Love, the Infinite

Love will be larger than all your lessons, longer than all your mistakes, sweeter than all the sad sorrows that life will mete out to you.  Love is what matters now; love is what will matter in the end. 

Daphne Rose Kingma

I re-commit myself to these things.  You are my witness.

These things that make me light,
so I can get enough velocity going
to defy gravity
and break free
from cancer's gravitational pull.


Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

Killing cancer cells is the least of it.

Getting the gravity of it
out of your brain
is the tricky part.

Here goes...



Katie said...

Writergirl, you have talent. I can hear your personality through the words and it is just like I am standing next to you while you laugh. The best laugh ever. Ever. Miss you and wish there was a way to help. Chef says hi!

writergirldreams said...

Aw Katie and Chef!!!!! Hi Hi hug hug. Can you believe this shit I'm in? So great to hear from you. Um, there is one little thing you can do to help me. SEND ME SNICKERS. and send me a harvest platter. and send me profiteroles. Oh man. I miss you guys, and you in the kitchen Chef. When I am done with all of this, MeShell and I need to come up there and sit at your table. much love, deb

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