Sunday, July 18, 2010

Lemonade 5 cents

I can always tell when its the weekend cause y'all get real quiet out there.  I hope it was a good one for you.  I don't have a sense anymore of the weekdays or the weekends.  I keep losing track of the days, except for Fridays.  I always know when its Friday.

Overall I had a much better response to this last chemo, number 2 of 12, than the first one.  My incision site looks blistered though.  I got stuck in some anger today about that and a few other things.  I am not happy with how that incision has not healed properly, and how it looks.  It's ugly.  My port site had some pain and itching and burning today.  I will talk to The Good Witch about all this when I see her on Friday.  I am thinking I will chose a plastic surgeon, and get some recommendations for a new surgeon to do my primary surgery.  I don't have the confidence in my original surgeon now.

This may be an unfair assessment and it may be a mood; I will talk to the Good Witch about it.  I think when you are faced with a mastectomy, you have to have a huge amount of trust and confidence in your surgeon.  Given the trouble I had with my port surgery which turned into 2 surgeries, and the continuing problem with my incision site, I don't have that now.  I realize this may be unfair, but it is what it is.  I think I need a new surgeon and I don't think I need to justify that but I am willing to listen to an opposing view.

I know I am feeling better now because grief is giving way to anger, and anger takes energy, doesn't it?  This is what is rising up in me.  U ready for this?  Maybe now I will scare you.

I don't want to be on this path.
I don't want cancer.
I don't want a mastectomy.
Chemo sucks.
I miss my job.
I miss my hair.
Chemo sucks.
I want my summer back.
I don't want cancer as your second thought every time your single thought is of me.
I am pissed.
I don't want radiation.
I am angry I will need radiation and won't be able to get my reconstruction till probably months after my primary surgery.
I don't want Flopsy cut off my body.  Some of my fondest memories are of my boys nursing on Flopsy.  I don't know why they always seemed to prefer Flopsy but they did.
I don't want to stuff a fake blob into my bra to fill the cup.
I don't want to look at my body mutilated.
Even when my hair grows back, whenever that is, it will be short for a long time.
Was this random?  Is it part of a plan for me?
Am I being punished?

Damn, I'm not even a Catholic, not sure where that last one came from.

That solved nothing.  Anger is useless and circular isn't it?  Damn. 

So now what?

I don't know.

I don't know.

That's where I am.

Some days you just don't feel like turning lemons into lemonade.



Anonymous said...

Well I hope you know that you have alot of support behind you. My question is why is it you and not me. Why do all the nice people have to go through something like this. I have figured that God is our strongest strength and I depend on him. The way you feel is the way you feel and no one on this earth can tell us how we can feel. So if your angry be angry that is your right!!! Sometimes that helps you get through the stuff your going through. So be the person you are and feel how you feel, because one day you will feel a whole lot better. The things you are feeling are all normal and you deserve to feel the way you feel let it out girl!!! I'am hearing you. And here for you anytime you have my # Love you!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Sweet Lady,

I love you. I will be angry with you. I will punch my pillows tonight as I cry and scream into them. Life isn't fair; and that sucks. I wish I could be there to give you a hug. The kind where you hold on, silently breathing until two breaths become one. I'm with you in spirit. You are a brave, strong woman. Follow your instincts and your heart will help you find the perfect surgeon. Sweet Dreams Lovely Lady; Sweet Dreams. XOXOX

goldenwings901 said...

Oh darling girl, I am so glad you are angry. This disease is not something you just surrender to. I am pissed too. I am pissed that this is happening to one of the dearest happiest girls I know. It isn't fair. Not fair in any way that someone who is beautiful and kind and who loves her children and her husband should have something like this happen. It's not fair that someone who loves life and appreciates life should have to go through this pain. It's not fair that when you feel so shitty you are expected to make informed decisions that will shape your future. I am pissed that YOU, my very dear friend have to go through this goddamned cancer. So, as much as we are there to help you and support you, we can't do it for you and that is what is so upsetting. You ultimately have to do it all by yourself. It is your journey for whatever f-----g reason. So we are here, all of your friends. waiting to support you and to step in when you just can't do it any more. We will help hold you and move you forward, in body and in spirit. Hang in there sweet girl, be angry but, I got your back...

writergirldreams said...

Bandit Cousin, I got your message, but for some reason it did not publish. Thank you Ti Ti.

To anonymous one and two, sure wish I knew who you are, but thank you and big hugs back. Thanks for hugging me and patting me and gettin angry with me. It really helps to hear.

Goldenwings, thank you for all of that, it was awful good. Uh huh, my solitary journey, dang I hate that part. You got my back. I hear you. Love u.

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