Saturday, July 10, 2010

Sunless Sunburn and A Gift from my Peeps

Today was the first day after Paclitaxel or Taxol, simply known as the T in the AC-T regimen.  So my new routine will be getting lab work done mid-week and chemo every Friday through September.Very weird this new cocktail as I mentioned yesterday; wired up/wired down from the combo they give prior to the chemo.  It took several hours for the extreme wiredness to settle down; even so I could not sleep until 4:30 this morning.  I think it was the drugs, the anticipation of starting the new regimen, and some personal things my former blond brain was chewing on in the wee small hours of the morning.

I was exhausted when I woke up around 9, at first thinking I had a fever.  I was all red like a sunburn, especially at my port site, and my skin felt itchy.  I had read and was told that allergic reactions to "T" are common, I guess that's why they give you all the Benedryl in your IV.  Took my temp, it was fine.  Maybe I was flashing.  I sure looked like I had a sunburn and my skin felt warm to the touch.  It still does.  It really feels like I spent the day in the sun.

Other than that, ok, just very tired.

I had a tentative plan to meet Anne of Green Gables. from my job, for breakfast.  She slept in which was just as well, I fell back asleep and we met for a late breakfast instead.  I was very tired but really wanted to see her and here all about my job and co-workers.

Anne asked me to come back to her place after our breakfast, she said she had something she wanted to show me.  We sat down in her kitchen, she put a DVD into the TV, and a video made by my co-worker Yulie with the help of her Mac-savvy boyfriend Gary starts playing.  This little video was a photo montage with music; the John Waite song "I Ain't Missing You" was playing in the background.

Now get this, everyone at my job at this fabulous restaurant had an individual picture, and then the next shot was with a skull cap on so they were bald, like me!!!!!!!!!!

OMG I was crying and laughing my ass off to see everyone from our Owner Chef and his wife, our Executive Chef and all the Managers, to the back of the house staff (the kitchen), to everyone in the front of the house (all the servers, hostesses and bussers) giving the love to me.

Here were all these faces, my work family, each holding a sign that said "We're here for your Deb" and for a moment, going bald to show solidarity with me.

Yulie and Gary, thank you so much for all your creative work putting this together, and thank you everyone from my job for having the sense of humor to do something crazy just for me.

After I got home from Anne's, I replayed that video so many times, and laughed and cried again as I watched it.

It was great for my family to see the faces of the people I talk about so often.

I miss my job and my work family terribly.  I am still weepy about it tonight.

I miss wearing a tie, putting on a crisp white shirt and apron and anticipating the night ahead.  I miss sitting down for pre-shift, having family meal together, and getting out on the floor with my team.  We are a close group and I work with people that are so good at their jobs.  All of our servers have something different we bring to our guests, and we use each other as a resource and backup.  Although you may think I'm biased, we have the best team I have ever worked with.

Let me just say for the millionth time, I adore you people and I miss you so so much.  Sometimes as I go through this thing, I feel so isolated and really begin to wonder if anybody misses me the way I miss them.  Obviously I have a lot more idle time to think about this.

That little video did wonders for me, and sure made me homesick to go back to work.  I really don't know when I will be going back and I am feeling very sad and anxious about that.  When you are so out of the loop, you begin to feel like a stranger in what used to be your second home.

I love you guys.  I miss you.  Thank you for the funny sweet medicine you gave me with all your smiling faces and your fake bald heads!!

Group hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you.  So much.  Thanks again Yulie and Gary and beagle, who also wore a skull cap!

I Ain't Missing You

Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath

And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away
And I'm wonderin' why you left
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinkin' about you, and it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all
since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you,
no matter what I might say

There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you,
No matter what my friends say
And there's a message that I'm sending out,
Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance,
Stop this heartbreak Overload

I ain't missing you,
I ain't missing you,
I can lie to Myself

And there's a storm
That's raging through my frozen heart

I ain't missing you

John Waite

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