Sunday, August 22, 2010

Crusty Crow's Feet

I have started going back into my old posts and putting photos in.  Still learning how to customize my blog; I am better with the word than the technology.  I'd like to put a photo in every post,  but since there are over one hundred of them, it will be like a scrapbooking project.  If you are interested, go back into the archives for the month of May, and you will find photos in the following posts:

The Two Bravest People on the Planet
One Tequila in the Right Direction
Finding Chemo
Curve Ball and a Can of Whoop Ass

I think it's amazing what the photos do for the words, I wish I had started a long time ago.  I'll get there.  Scrapbooking my blog.  I have lots of media to get in to this blog.  Wish me, the technically challenged, luck.

A couple of updates for you, my arm has been much better, as far as the swelling and numbness since getting the PICC.  Most of my discomfort now is central to where the line goes in to my bicep.  It is much much better though.  I notice the more I flex and use my right bicep, the more the entry point gets upset and irritated.  On the other hand, the more I flex and use the arm, the overall arm feels better.  Go figure.  My bullet hole is much shallower although still draining quite a bit.  It's a little nasty packing it, but I've gotten used to doing it.  True North also mentioned that packing the wound is the best thing to do for one that is slow healing.

As you know, I finished 4 tough tough rounds of AC over 8 weeks, and I am now half way through my 12 weekly doses of Taxol.  Six weeks to go baby.  That is going to be one graduation like none other, when I finish chemo.  September 24.  That's my last one, God and the Universe willing.
The early side effects I was having with the Taxol are so much better.  No more of the sunless sunburn, just occasional hours or two over the first couple of days where I get all red faced and hot.  Maybe I'm flashing.  I don't know.  Haven't had a period in weeks now.  The sores on my lips and gums are long gone.

I've been having some new side effects, all fairly subtle, but damned annoying.  I've had some burning and blistering on the bottom of my feet.  Hands that are numb and stiff and claw like in the morning, but loosen up fairly quickly.  A whole lot of eye twitching and some blurred vision.  I continue to have extreme watering in the outside corners of my eyes, and get crusty crow's feet.  M-m-m don't that sound good, like if you were a damned coyote ordering fast food.  "Yeah, I'll have an order of crusty crow's feet with tumbleweed fries and a cactus shake."

You have to take those stool softeners the first few days after chemo, or there'll be trouble.

Generally though, my stamina, my energy level, my spirits and my body strength are improving.  Although I could outlast the vampires on the first two nights after chemo with insomnia, I am sleeping better throughout the rest of the week, and not needing to nap as long or at all during the day.

Have I mentioned the fresh crop of white peach fuzz on my head?  It's somethin.  Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear.

I continue to have terrible dry mouth, and always need gum.  Thank goodness for the Biotin toothpaste and mouthwash, it really helps.  Honey, you have no idea the parch in this parched.

Also, very very dry skin, mostly on the hands, arms and feet.  I moisturize my face and near my eyes way more than usual.

So there you have it, 14 weeks into chemo, this is what it looks like.  Overall, I think I look pretty damned good.  It's all the love.  It's all your love.

Now listen close on this next stuff, all you cancerous and non-cancerous readers out there in la la land.

One of the things on my mind quite a bit lately is knowing when to let go, knowing when to hold on.  This seems to be a constant metaphorical theme for me.

In retrospect, I can see in my life all the open doors I did not walk through because I was camped out clawing at the closed doors.  Wah Wah Wah, let me in, let me in, crying at the closed doors, the ones I was never meant to go in.

Damn, you have no idea what an epiphany this is for me.  You better read the paragraph above one more time.  It's a doozy from a fuzzy wuzzy.

Lord, help me, help me, let go of the handle of the closed doors, and look for the next open door, and simply, step in.

Help me Lord cause I am stubborn this way.

and Lord, one more thing, when I am in the hallway, and can't yet see the open door, let me close my eyes and keep walking and crawling in Faith, knowing the door is there, it was always there, waiting for me, to cross its threshold.

Help me Lord, find my path, one stumble at a time.

Hear my prayer.

love, your stubborn girl

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