Saturday, August 14, 2010

Trusting It Has Already Turned Out

Always we hope someone else has the answer, some other place will be better, some other time it will all turn out. This is it; no one else has the answer, no other place will be better, and it has already turned out.
- Lao tzu

Today was a good day.

Today I watched Midge try on wedding dresses.  Ok, so maybe she looked like a deer in headlights, overwhelmed by all the poof and sparkle and beads and yardage.  Her Mama and her Grammy and I grabbed things off the rack like romantic fools, and dressed her like a beloved life size doll.  I think the whole thing was a little painful for Midge, but she indulged us and our little fantasies.  I know Midge, you will find that perfect dress, simple and classic and ivory.  No train, no veil, just an orchid in your hair, and all the love in your heart held in your trembling reaching hands.

I think the man you tremble and reach for, must have done something good in his life, to receive you as his prize.  He must have done something good.

Today I listened to the Cowgirl talk about the twins, the "g" girls, coming any day now, and for a minute, almost yesterday, but alas false alarm.  Twins.  Count em.  Two.  Two girls, on their way, not just yet, any day now, and no later than Wednesday.  Twins.  Count em.  Two.  I can't wait to see you Cowgirl, snuggling those bundles, like the best presents under the tree on Christmas morning.   It will be like Christmas in August, and every single day of your life from now on.

Today I bought orange juice and Dr. Pepper because my six foot bundle of drummer comes home tomorrow.  After months of 6 days a week practice, followed by a U.S. tour almost two months long, he comes home a 1st place World Champion.  Go Concord Blue Devils!!!!  Woo hoo!  Blue Smoke smoked em!!!!  I can't wait to put my arms around him, and bury my wigged head in his chest.

Today I saw my Husband on the edge of the couch as we listened for the results of Batman's championship, and finally heard what he was waiting for - First place in the DCI World Championships, THE CONCORD BLUE DEVILS!!!!  Today I saw my Husband over the moon with joy and pride, as a Father and a drummer, seeing his son achieve a dream, for both of them.

Today I talked to my boss to tell him I made it through the gauntlet of this last week, and I am ready to put my ironed white apron back on.  The last night I worked was Saturday, May 1st and it seems like FOREVER ago.  With huge relief, I am on the schedule for next Thursday night, and I am ready to joyously greet guests, fold napkins, buff glasses, rattle off the night's specials like food porn, and be in the mix of all my peeps again.  Like coming home.  Celebrate me home.

Today Robin helped me get ready for his big brother's homecoming by vacuuming the whole downstairs and doing an excellent job cleaning the downstairs guest bathroom, even washing the rugs and using the swiffer on the floor.  Thank you Robin for being my "go to" boy ever since my diagnosis, always ready to help me, run upstairs to grab things for me, run downstairs to grab things for me, bring me glasses of ice water or a popsicle, and just generally, always ready and eager to help your Mama.  Mostly though Robin, thank you for the times you walk past me and pat my bald head, or laugh when I get too hot cooking dinner in a wig and just have to pull it off and hang it off the back of a kitchen chair.  I am very proud and touched by your twelve year old self,  seeing your Mom in ways we never imagined, and handling it all with humor and tenderness and man size bravery.

Today I realized allowing myself to say "out loud" in my blog and to you what I am most afraid of, has somehow today, freed me of it.  I had a little extra giddy in my giddy up today.

The thing you fear most has no power.  Your fear of it is what has the power.  Facing the truth will really set you free.  Oprah Winfrey

Yeah Oprah.  It's true.  Really.

Today fully rooted and present in all that is my life, I lived.


It felt good.

I think I will try this again tomorrow, and maybe the day after that.

Come with me.



masonmft said...

Congratulations Batman.
Congratulations family.
Yeah to the working wise bald woman. Wish I was sitting at your station on Thursday, or at least using the napkin you folded and sparkling wine glass polished lovingly with your hands. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Dear Sparkle Mama,
Wasn't it so much fun dressing our Girl? She was a really good sport to put up with our fantacies. I especially loved being able to spend the day with you; just laughing and being girls. And you look amazing in your sexy wig. I'll be sending you a letter soon; hopefully before the Girl mails you one ... lol Hugs and Kisses xoxox

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