Sunday, September 26, 2010

Coming Down and Into Focus While Finally Getting Sleepy

I am coming down now, from the wakefulness that follows each chemo.  AC had its own difficult challenges.  The insomnia after decadron for the Taxol has gone on for 3 months of weekends and I'm sure played a huge part in my body hitting the wall.

The other symptoms, the residual effects of chemo, are masked during the sleeplessness.  On the last several Sundays, when I start to come down and feel my body getting sleepy, the other side effects reappear in full force.  It does not surprise me now, I suppose it still does disappoint.

I understand what is meant by the collateral effects of chemotherapy taking anywhere from 6 to 18 months to finally subside.  I don't know why I thought once it was over, it would be over.  Maybe that's why it still does not feel over to me.  A lot of what I was feeling during is still here with me after.

I had magical thinking about what this weekend would be like.  Silly girl.

For five months I was chained like Esther Williams to a giant clam shell at the bottom of the ocean.  Although set free, I have a long swim to surface down here from the depths, eyes wide open and face in full makeup, luscious red lips.

Don't worry.  I'm swimming, up and up and up.  It will be some time before these boobies bob on the surface.

I am not down about this.  Resolved.  I will do what I can when I can, and each week will get better and better.

I notice my blogs are much shorter on Sundays.

Cause I'm really tired guys.

Here's a flower for you.  Down there.

This rosebush has been growing in my front yard twenty years.  Tell me what you see?  You see the torn petal?  You see the heart in the center of the rose?  The imperfect petal.  The perfect heart.  On the same rose.

Focus on what's right in your life, and it will become the focus of your life, and your heart will be happy. 

“You may break, you may shatter the vase, if you will, / But the scent of the roses will hang round it still.”

Thomas More

1 comment:

Jill Nogales said...

You did it! You are one incredible lady! Wishing you much sleep and the sweetest of dreams...

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