Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Will You Just Relax?

Somebody used to say this to me cause I have a tendency to get very intense.

"Will you just relax?"

Heavy sigh.

I've had my panties up my ass the last couple of weeks, since I couldn't work because of the smorgasbord of side effects I've been dealing with.  My job had me on the schedule for Wednesday and Thursday nights, and I've had to call in and tell them I can't do it each week since early in the month.

My boss has been very accommodating, but when I talked to him on Tuesday, it hurt my feelings that he said let's not worry about this week or next week either and we'll stay in touch and see how you're doing.  It upset me.

Until today, when I thought about it.  I've had myself on this rollercoaster wanting to work so bad, each week thinking for sure I will be able to, and then when I can't, I'm all upset.

Huh, what? I didn't get the memo.  What do you mean, Body?  What do you mean?  Why aren't you cooperating WITH MY PLANS?

Duh.  Blond brain.  Duh.

It's not like I work an office job while still going through chemo, I work as a server.  It was pretty damned ambitious to think I could juggle all this and do that too.  I realized today, I need to let it go.

I told Husband about all of this when he got home tonight.  He said "Honey, you're only job right now is to get through this."


I know.  I know.  It's just that those few shifts I was able to work, I felt so good.  Physically they were very challenging, but mentally, I felt like the old me.  It did so much for me to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, run around taking care of guests, hanging with my peeps, and doing all the rituals that are part of my job.  At work was the longest I've gone not thinking about somethin cancer this or that.

I need to let it go.

Maybe things will ease up after this last chemo and I'll be able to work a shift or two before my surgery in late October.  Maybe I won't.

I need to let it go.

Here. (She hands it over).  I will return to going with the flow, managing my side effects, getting rest, taking care of myself, trying to keep my chin up.

So I'm not superwoman or invincible, and my 51 year old body has its limits.  I will honor that.

Will you just relax?

Deep breath.

Alright horsey, I'm facing forward again.  Take me where you're taking me.

That goofy little hummingbird buzzed me again late this afternoon.  I was standing on the patio, in front of his favorite fuchsia and he came in like a fighter jet ready to land on an aircraft carrier till he realized I was in his way.  He came straight at me then made a correction a second before impact, zoomed past my head then floated in the air above me as if to say "Get out of my way Lady!"

I got out of his way.

I'm getting out of my own way too.

Giddy up.


masonmft said...

One more kiss on your donkey forehead. On Friday one more chemo to kick your donkey a%%. JUST ONE MORE CHEMO!!! I will be thinking about you and sending love to your veins. Plumping them up.

Anonymous said...

One More Chemo, One More Chemo ... Go Girl Go, you're almost there!

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