Monday, October 18, 2010

Not all Original Parts

Oh no, with a chestless chest, my ass is going to look huge!

I wrote this in last night's blog.  It has been confirmed.

We love you for your heart and head and don't really care if you are boobless or big assed.  Yulie

Laughed my big ass off about that one Yulie.

Yes, I often look back to see the parade following behind me, making sure you are all there as I march some steps like the Saints, and crawl others.  When I log in to write my blog, my heart always sinks a bit when there is no reader comment.  I know you are there, but every once in awhile when you are quiet, I begin to wonder, you still there?

U there?  I know you are.

It really helped me to move forward saying what I needed to say, knowing what I have to do, and talking to that scared kitty.   I think it is true when you name your fears and sadness, when you write things down, they seem so much more manageable and contained.

Journaling has also been a helpful therapy for me; I get things out of my head when I release them to paper.

That is a huge part of what this blog does for me; thank you for listening, even to what is lurking.

Despite what lurks, it is not the focus.  I am generally feeling calm and peaceful as I wind down life with Flopsy and Mopsy, and wait for the news of what is in there when they open me up.

Whatever the losses this whole cancer gig brings, the love and generosity and grace that constantly comes my way helps fill the places that are so forlorn and empty.  Fills them to overflowing.

One of my Sisters messaged she made me heart shaped pillows and sent them out priority mail to make sure I get them before my surgery.  She says to use them under my arms as a cushion, and under the seat belt when I come home.  No matter how I use them, I will always think about the love sewn into them.

Another Sister and I are pen pals now.

Another Sister, who recently had a BLM with skin sparing and one nipple taken, another nipple spared, offered to send me photos so I could see what it looks like.

I can't say enough about the community of Sisters out there, and how they have taken me into their fold.  Women I don't even know and will probably never meet, showing up for me, telling me their stories and listening to mine.

There has been so much love and concern sent my way, and prayers too, some from the most unexpected places.  Believe me, it makes a difference, a huge difference.

I keep thinking about all of Flopsy and Mopsy's years of service.  Sure, there were some great romantic sexy moments, but mostly what I think about is the best thing they ever did.  Nursing my baby boys.  Looking back now, I was so lucky to be able to do that, and what beautiful memories.

There are so many young young women out there who are diagnosed before even having children.  I feel very fortunate this did not happen to me until now.  Where I am in my life and where I am spiritually, this was the best possible time, if there is such a thing.  My children are older and very independent.  There were so many other times in my life, if this had happened I would have been REALLY DEVASTATED.

It is a blessing that the place I am in my life, at 51, has helped me do something I never thought I could, and never imagined I would have to.  Gradually my brain shifts towards surrender and acceptance.

I said out loud some of what I am afraid of, what worries me, what makes me sad.

Let me tell you though, I am not walking around crying my eyes out.  I am still so in love with my life.  I am still so grateful.  I am still so blessed.

My appreciation for myself has blossomed.  I am proud of me.  

Yes I am anticipating the first few days, that first look, will be difficult and painful, and baby, nobody does melancholy like me.

I'll figure it out.  I'll learn how to live with it.  I will be ok.

As my friend CreativeLady wrote:

You will get through my dear friend, you will get through. We will all stand on the other side. A little worse for wear, not all original parts, but whole again because we have each other. We are there for you.

"Not all original parts, but whole again because we have each other."

Cancer sucks.  I do not recommend it.  

There is though a blessing and a lesson I found that is specific to when you really get for the first time, your life has an expiration date.

I found out what I'm made of, and realized that life is just one lesson after another after another, and what matters is not so much what happens to you, but rather your reply.


A zealous yes.

Yes to everything that makes this life and shapes this woman.  Who can say which contributed more to my unfolding good?

The moments soft as eyelash kisses?

Or the grit that revealed a pearl?


Beneath the Eaves said...

I have tears in my eyes after this post. You have given me something I needed most right now. I am on the other side of most of my treatment or surgery. The step in to the future is so scary for me. With the isolated tumor cells I have waited for the other "shoe to drop". And these words from you blog have given me focus.
"I found out what I'm made of, and realized that life is just one lesson after another after another, and what matters is not so much what happens to you, but rather your reply."
Thank you-I am going to focus more on the REPLY. Big Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sweet Lady ~

No matter what this *$&#(@*&$# disease may take from you, you will always be a Girly Girl, with lots of "sparkles."

Hugs and Kisses xoxox

Anonymous said...

Boobs don't make a girly girl, hair doesn't make a girly girl, it's all about the attitude, and they can't take that away from you. We are standing with you, praying with you, loving you.
Loves & Hugs!!!! Naniglenda

Jill Nogales said...

Still here, right behind you...
Sending you big hugs,

kim said...

I think Naniglenda said it for a lot of us. You will always be a girlie girl. We love you and are here for you.

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