Friday, October 22, 2010

Please Check Your Arrogance, What size Humility do you Need?

I met with The Good Witch today, to talk about where I am physically, one month out from finishing chemo.  All my favorites were there today, Hello Vonda, and I was able to hug and talk to Kitty for the first time since finishing chemo.  It was great to see everyone.

It's strange now, going there, as if I don't belong anymore.  I am not sure how to articulate this; for awhile the Cancer Center felt like a second home, so familiar.

I felt like an outsider today.

I suppose that is a good thing.

It was strange though.

The Good Witch bounded into the exam room, I think my blood pressure drops 15 points any time I see her.  I talked about where I am at this point physically, and my concerns about it.

The only progress I've made is regarding my menopausal symptoms.  I believe the Sam-e has almost completely alleviated all my menopausal symptoms.  I am not flashing everywhere, no more night sweats, no more manic mood swings, no more fantasies of making contact with a cast iron skillet in my hand.

The neuropathy is stubborn and has not budged.  Although I had one toe wake up, the pain and numbness in the pads of both feet is chronic.  My hands too.

Even the doggies in this house know "Lay in the kitchen at your own risk when Mama is unloading the dishwasher."

I still have swelling in my hands and right arm.  The eye twitch, which seemed better for awhile, is back and sometimes involuntarily closes my eye.  It's a weird sensation.  It's like someone has a string tied to my eyelid and pulls it shut against my will.  I am able to open it, but sometimes it slams shut again!

I have muscle fatigue every day.  It's similar to that feeling you get before the flu, when you feel achy achy all over.  The muscles in my arms and legs feel very sore and tired.

The Good Witch listened and made notes and basically affirmed what I thought she would probably say.  I need to give it more time.  It may be several months before these symptoms let up; nerve damage is slow to heal.  She said there are medications she could prescribe, but those all come with their own side effects.  She felt it best if we just give it more time and see what happens.

She concurred that exercise is always a good thing, and that some of the muscle fatigue could be from the months of being mostly sedentary.

I told her I thought my spirits were very good, but I've been surprised and disappointed at my general tiredness and feeling so sore. 

My feet are great, as long as I'm not on them... 

She recommended we try a diuretic for relief of some of the swelling; I will start that tomorrow.  She said it might give some relief in my hands.

It was good to touch base with her, I always feel better when I see her.  The appointment was uneventful, she confirmed what I was already thinking.

I just finished five months of chemo.  There is collateral damage.  It's common.  It usually goes away.  No one can predict when that will happen for me, or what might remain.

It does me no good to worry about it, or try and plan when I will return to work.

This is out of my control.

I do though always wonder about this strange balance, wanting to surrender with grace to what is, and yet not wanting to just roll over and be compliant!  I struggle to find that place every day, and still not sure where the sweet spot is.

I am doing the best I can, trying to be as proactive as I possibly can be, and yet really putting into practice letting go of what I have no control over.

It's hard hard work for an over thinking, fix-it, get her done, does not delegate, kind of girl!

I used to think I needed to pray to be lead where I need to go.  I don't think that anymore.

You are going where you are going baby!  You are going places you never thought you'd go, and not going places you hoped you'd go!  Welcome to Life baby.

Lord guide my response to wherever this life takes me, and send backup!



Donna M said...

Will be thinking of you on your surgery day on Tues. From the point of view of the operatee, the whole thing is very quick. You go in, they give you excellent relaxation meds, you get foggy, then voila! The next moment you're in recovery feeling really loopy. I'm glad they're keeping you overnight at least. Try to get up and walk a bit as soon as you can...even 5 mins. The sooner you can do a 10-15 minute walk (by the third/fourth day?), the sooner you start getting stronger. You'll be in my heart!

Anonymous said...

Dear Sweet Lady ~

I'm here for you ... you have my number ... Please DON'T HESITATE to call if you need me.

Hugs and Kisses xoxox

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