Tell Me Somethin Good

Waited around all day for The Wizard to call, needing my vicodin refilled, and hear pathology results.  He called at the end of his day, which is when he usually calls, but made for a long day waiting for it.  I took my last vicodin at noon, and took some ibuprofen later, but it just wasn't cutting it, and I was really wanting to hear what they found.

I was extremely disappointed when The Wizard said the pathology showed some "residual cancer" in the breast tissue he cut out, and 4 out of 5 of the lymph nodes taken had cancer in them.  He was upbeat and said this was to be expected, that's why it was a good thing we got it out, and the radiation should take care of the rest.  He renewed my prescription and said I could take a shower if I saran wrap my suture areas.

He wants to wait till Monday to take the drains out; I hope I can make it till then.  Not so sure.  I'll see how tomorrow goes as far as the drainage; maybe I can beg him to take them out on Friday.

I told him I'm still having quite a bit of pain at the suture sights, but mostly in my upper inner left arm.  He said I should try to keep the arm as close to my chest as possible, that will help.  Some of that pain should resolve when he takes the drains out.

I sent an email to The Good Witch, telling her about what he said.  I told her I'd like to have him fax the pathology report to her, so that she could review it with me.  I'm not scheduled to see her again until Friday after next.  I hope we can have a phone call before then.  It's not that I don't feel comfortable talking to The Wizard, but he usually calls at the end of his day, I know he has a really long day including surgery, and she is my quarterback.

I need her to put this in perspective for me, and she will.

Does this really mean that some of the cancer actually survived five months of chemo?

Whoa.

I hope to be able to touch base with her tomorrow.  She always makes even the bad feel better.

I called Husband at work to tell him the news, and had a good cry after.  My Dad called right before I was expecting the call from the surgeon.  I told him I'd call him back.  I did, after my cry, but still cried on the phone with him.  He tried to reassure me.

Robin was downstairs, and knew something was up.  Awhile later he came up to my room while I still wept a little in my bed.  I told him briefly about what the surgeon said, and that I was disappointed.

I patted him as he crawled in next to me.  "It's ok honey," I told him, "I'm just disappointed."

He smiled, looked scared, patted me, and said "Everything's going to be ok Mom."

Then he started to chatter about a science project he is working on in school, and soon we were talking and laughing.

The Wizard said "This was to be expected..." but I was really hoping he'd say, "We found no more evidence of cancer!  In fact, it was all a mistake, and all we really needed to do was take out your tonsils!"

It's been a very long week of pain, discomfort, little sleep, boredom and adjusting to the visual of my chest. 

How bout them Giants?  That was a very nice distraction this week.

I just wanted to hear something really really good from The Wizard today.

Nobody said this would be easy.  Nobody said cancer would accommodate me.  I know. 

I just wanted to hear good.

Tell me somethin good.  Remember that old Chaka Khan song?

Sigh.

This is hard guys.

Real hard.

Is it my imagination, or is this getting harder?

When do I get to the other side of that?

Soon?

Lie to me baby.