Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Come Closer

Tension is who you think you should be.  Relaxation is who you are.  Chinese Proverb

You remember that scene out of "When Harry Met Sally" when Sally is mailing letters, standing out on a snowy New York street in front of a mailbox, and Harry is with her.  She examines each letter, and one by one puts them into the mailbox.  Harry gets so impatient with her obsessiveness, he grabs the stack, and throws them all in.

Um, that was me at the post office on Monday, mailing my Christmas cards.  After having them checked by the clerk, it was determined that most of my cards needed extra postage.  I bought more stamps and took the stack over to a desk and put an extra one on each envelope.  I carried the stack over to the slot for outgoing mail, and stood there checking each card again, one at a time sliding them into the slot.  I didn't realize a man had come up behind me and was waiting.  I don't know how long he was standing there.  I quickly looked over the cards left in my hands, dropped them in by two's, but left doubting if those last few cards were ok.

I do this every time I drop mail in the slot or in the drive through mailbox; I still have to check each item again, even though I know I've checked them at home.

When I go to my favorite thrift shop, I check the book section first.  They usually have a large and good selection, and often something I've been wanting to read is there.  I have this thing though.  I can't buy the book if someone has written in it.  I can check books out from the library.  I do all the time.  When purchasing a book though, even if it's one I'd really like to read and it's only 99 cents, I can't buy it if someone else has written in it.

I don't have a problem buying clothing from a second hand store, doesn't bother me that someone else has worn the clothes.  I can't read a book though if there is writing in it.

I cannot explain the letter thing, and I cannot explain the book thing to you.  I don't know why I have these particular quirks.  I just know I do, and it's ok with me.

One of the great things about fiddy sumpthing, at least for me, is accepting yourself as you are, and relaxing into your skin.

I'm not saying there isn't anything I'd like to change about myself.  I'm not saying I don't have personal and spiritual work to do, and will always have, to do.  I'm an introspective person, and I work at the work, despite being very stubborn.  What I find though is I am more patient with me, kinder to me, appreciative of me, get a kick out of me, and know a lot more about what I like, and don't like.

This whole cancer gig has reinforced this.  Exponentially.

Now more than ever, I got my back.

It's done something else though.

It's thrown me completely out of my comfort zone, toppled me, humbled me, turned me upside down, opened me, crushed me, and forced me to let go of assumptions and expectations I held so tight and rigidly.

To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. Pema Chödrön

A part of me has been burned down to the foundation.

What I never expected is that much of what I held on to and was lost in that annihilation, was of no real value to me.

What is left is all I need.

It is indestructible inside this human body.

It cannot be taken from me.

It speaks to you now.

1 comment:

Beneath the Eaves said...

Oh how true. So much is left behind that really does not matter.
Thank you dear friend for your loving kindness, in gifts and words. May this next year be one of health, love, and family.

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