Thursday, February 24, 2011

and they just keep coming

Sometimes I hesitate, to tell you the real deal.  To tell you what this day in, day out, living this thing is like.  Sometimes I hesitate and I think nobody wants to read this stuff.  Nobody wants to hear this stuff.  Not the people without cancer.  Not the newbies just diagnosed.  Not my family.  Not my Sisters light years ahead of me trying to move on.  Nobody wants to hear this stuff Debbie.

Sometimes my self doubt talks to me and wants me to shut up.

Can't you just talk about sumpthin nice?  Can't you just be funny?  Can't you just lighten up?  Can't you just be inspirational and make everything all nicey nice?  Can't you just lie if you have to?

Nobody wants to read this stuff.

There have been many times over these several months I thought enough is enough.

Why are you still talking about this shit?

Then I am blessed with something like this:

Well, I finally caught up on all your blogs and can I say that I have enjoyed all of them. Not what you're going through, but your writing has had me cry, laugh, sad, overwhelmed, smile, etc., etc.

Your writing is wonderful and I truly think you should turn your cancer blog into a book when you're done - seriously!!!! How many of us, when we've gotten those dreaded words, have wanted/needed somebody or something to turn to to help up understand more about this disease. And it's always best to talk to/read about someone who's been through it. And your blogs to me, were like reading a book that I hated to put down!!
There were times I could almost feel what you were feeling or visualize what you were doing - and that's what great authors do for their readers - draw them in.
I just read your post: "Trail of Crumbs" and I'm still crying. What you wrote really touched me. Thank you.
I sure enjoyed your blog today on faith. I really needed to read something like that since my faith today was that of a mustard seed.
You inspire me. Am going through a rough period right now, but have decided I am going to tackle it with humor and grace, like you do. *Anyone* can be a bitch in the face of adversity. That's easy. But to be able to find the laughter in there, even in the midst of such (often times) horrible processes is a gift. Thanks for sharing your gift with others.
hi wgd. i just read your post. it was one of the most beautiful and amazing things i have ever read. you have touched my heart in a way i cannot find the words to even explain to you. thank you for sharing these feelings and for being such a great friend to me.
Thank you for a most awesome comment, Sister. Exactly what I needed to hear. Whenever I stumble, it seems as if my friends and family gasp in horror. They love me dearly, but they are so afraid of the cancer. Not you. You fearlessly reach right in there, grab my hand, and pull me back to my feet again. You have no idea how much I appreciate you.
You have made me laugh and cry and nod my head vigorously at what you have written. I will never forget finding your "goodbye letter" to your breasts. You said exactly what I was thinking, but could not (or would not) articulate for myself.
I count myself lucky to know you . . . even if its just through these posts. Thank you . . thank you for giving words to my hard, hard feelings.
I keep telling people in my posts that "you're not alone". The hardest part of this journey for me was going to bed at night and being alone with my thoughts and fears. I've reread some of your stuff at 1 in the morning or 4 in the morning on a really tough night.
You need to know that you make a difference. As much as I hate knowing that you're in the same battle I am with BC, I'm so very glad you're here.

These are just a few of the incredible emails and personal messages I've received since I started the blog.  When I think I've said all I can say, or you've heard all you want to hear, another precious newbie comes along, just diagnosed, to let me know she went back to the beginning, starting with my first post Mother's Day 2010.

Thank you Writergirldreams,
I read your entire blog last night. It made me both laugh and cry. The description of what a core biopsy is like was especially riveting!! You definitely have a gift with words. I have put you on my favorites list and I know your posts to questions on this site are great also.

I don't know how to explain to you how full my heart is from all the love that has come to me.  I was a sisterless Sister, and now I have Sisters all over the world.

I don't know how to explain to you the ache I feel every time a new one finds me.

and they just keep coming.

It makes me cry tonight, remembering what it felt like, knowing out there, somewhere today, some bunny else just got the news "You have breast cancer."

Many of us will make it.  Some of us won't.  I don't know what list I'm on.

Either way, I am one of them, they are part of me.

Pray for us.

Pray for a cure.


Mimi said...

I pray everyday for a cure & everyday that I come here I love reading your words. Kick that self doubt to the curb, OK?

Hugs & love,

Anonymous said...

Yes, WGD, add one more to your list of "girls" who just keep coming back. We know you will put our crazy emotions into words, make us feel a bit better and help us carry on. Cuz' what other choice do we have? Keep your groove on my cyper-friend. Love from your secret fan club - Faith & Hope

Susan said...

I haven't gone back to the beginning yet, but what i have read is wonderful...DO NOT STOP writing, it is good for others, and I believe it is most likely very good for you. Maybe add some pictures now and again.

Gentle hugs and positive thoughts,

Rhonda Roo said...

You are a child of the universe, and you have no idea how you have given me a sense of something greater than the sum of my parts lately.
It's a little different for me- i am fairly healthy, but my beloved husband Cowboy, was diagnosed with nonoperable stage IV esophageal cancer in late january. we've been doing tests, seeing docs, taking blood, generally trying to have some normal days, fielding calls from family and friends, keeping up with appointments and paperwork, falling into bed exhausted--its overwhelming and i don't know how anyone could go through it alone. We are also now, partly because of your blog, striving to make a conscious effort to make our priority the sacred ordinary things: eating laughing and crying (that is me, mainly), watching spring in the backyard, spotting shapes in the clouds in the sky, listening to the rain, tasting every bite of food, relishing every flavor.
Yesterday we got the results of the liver biopsy- it has spread, and they are saying six to twelve months. I'm devastated. He is brave. He got new tires put on the vehicles, hes planning his legacy garden, hes holding my hand, i am reading your blog, you are helping me through.
Keep writing, you have a true gift. and i love you form way over here.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~ <--sparkly health juju

Martha said...

Thank you, again, for putting words to what so many of us feel. I have not read from the beginning as of yet but have read bits and pieces. I know your words will help those who follow us in this horrid disease that robs us of our hair, our breasts, our dignity (when we don't quite make it to the bathroom in time), and, for too many, our lives. I pray that someday soon there will be a cure.


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