Saturday, February 5, 2011

My Quilt of Essentials

I am clearly in the next phase of this cancer gig.  It is not only a factual reality I have completed treatment, it is palpable to me now.

Three weeks out from radiation and completing nine months of treatment, I feel like Dorothy, opening the door after she's landed in Oz.

Cancer treatment is grueling, gravity defying, courageous work.  It requires endurance and patience, like running a marathon, pushing your body and spirit to its ultimate limits.

This phase feels like I'm doing lots and lots of math, in between periods of great rest.

My brain is working overtime to review and process and accept what has happened, my body is working hard to heal the collateral damage of treatment, and I am seeking sleep, meditation and quiet more than ever.

I am healing in a body I don't recognize, yet with spirit that is blooming content.  I feel as if I've waken from a deep sleep or crawled out of the rabbit hole.  I am making my way home from some other worldly place, The Kingdom of Lost Breasts.  I am getting my bearings, not everything once familiar seems familiar now.  My life was deconstructed, and the thousand little pieces are overflowing from my pockets and scattered at my feet.

I'm looking at each one, and throwing out more than I've kept.

Puzzles have too many pieces.  Puzzles are too much work.  I am sorting through my life and choosing to leave behind with my cancer many things I used to think I could not live without.

I'm done with puzzles, and all the hysteria and frustration and obsession once spent looking for, keeping track of, and maintaining all those pieces.  And still feeling empty.  And still searching for meaning.

I am quietly and contently stitching a life and home now that is more like this simple beautiful quilt, lovingly made by a local guild and received my last day of treatment.

I'm ready to let go of anything and everything that keeps me from these.

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