Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Can You Pat Me While I Cry, and Rock Me to Sleep?

I would never have guessed that this far in, after basically completing treatment, I would have a day like yesterday.  Even though I was up at 4 a.m., I couldn't fall asleep last night thinking about it, up till after 3 a.m. this morning.  My brain would not shut down, but it was not lost in thought.  More like the shock absorbers were fully engaged to process the assault.  I don't know how to describe it to you, but I am still traumatized.

I'm sure the angels must have worked hard to sanitize the prayers I said during the roughest moments.  It was a first for me.  Praying and cursing.  Silently.  Simultaneously.

Even writing about it now, as if looking down at myself on the table, I feel choked up.  I'm relieved all the spitting I did yesterday is done.  I spent much of the day so angry.  Mostly at myself.  I posted this on the message board to my Sisters, talking about how I let myself down.

I left there very angry with myself, for letting an anesthesiologist have way too many tries with me, way past the point of patient torture. It's so hard though, when you are laying there on the OR table, so nervous, so trusting and in their hands, and when things start to go wrong, my tough girl self is not present. It's my little girl self, my compliant "children should be seen and not heard" self.

I need to find a way that I can summon tough bitch when I need her, especially in these moments of vulnerability. This is one of the hardest things I am learning on this cancer camp journey, how to be my own best advocate! It's so hard!

I'm so angry at me. I'm so angry at me.

Somebody, please learn from me. Please learn that these doctors are not infallible, they make mistakes, they are often stubborn and would rather hurt you than accept defeat, and sometimes enough is enough and you have to stand up for yourself and say it.

Please learn from me. I'm talking to myself now. The one above was for you.

I feel very wounded today, body and spirit.  Wounded and assaulted.  It's ironic that I've had very few side effects from the procedure itself, the hysteroscopy.  Some spotting mostly.  Very manageable.  A little comforting in a weird way, having what felt like a period again.

My neck is what really hurts, it is hard to turn side to side, and my right arm down to my hand and fingers is still huge.  There are purple and black bruises where my IV blew, and from the stick on my hand, and the one inside my wrist.

I feel like I was hit really hard by something yesterday, and it lingers today.  I cannot process it yet.  My body feels the physical part of it, my thoughts and heart and spirit can't yet.

I feel numb.

Yesterday was probably one of the hardest physical challenges I have ever had in my life, and I am still dazed.

Who'd a thunk it?  This far in.  I thought I left shit creek a long time ago. I didn't even take my paddle with me yesterday.

I never saw it coming.


Martha said...

I am so sorry. It is is hard to stand up for ourselves at times. After all the doctors are supposed ot know what they are doing, aren't they? After my first round of chemo, when I became so sick I landed in the hospital, I might have shortened my stay if I had spoken up sooner about how bad I felt. I didn't, I didn't know any better. Wishing you calming thoughts, wonderful dreams and many good night sleeps.

Anonymous said...

My offer from your previous post still stands ;)
Call it "therapy" send the pictures from the previous post with details. Just like how you told us. Send a copy to him, and a copy to the Director of Anesthesiology. Let them know you are considering sending this to the risk management team, and the pt advocate. Maybe even add a copy to the Manager of the surgical dept (day surgery). You would now be advocating for yourself as well as other patients. His arrogance created delays, and undue pain. Let them know that you are a cancer pt and wanted to use your affected arm after you said "no". He was a douchebag, give yourself a hug and forgive yourself. It's just an "AFGE" (another f*cking growth experience!) Hugs and love to you sister.
cherioak@gmail.com please email if you like!

Jane said...

Ahhhh Deb....it was the paddle...Never let go of your paddle! Somebody comes along, picks it up, then beats the crap out of your neck!! Happens EVERY time! Sorry, shoulda reminded you to bring your paddle the other night, my bad! I Love You!

Anonymous said...

Debbie, this is terrible. No one should have this experience - I'm just so glad it's over now. I agree with Cheryl's idea about sending letters and pictures to all the stakeholders. Name names and maybe Dr. Boy will learn a lesson from this: DO NOT MESS. Pamper yourself now and sleep well. --T

Mimi said...

I'm sorry you got hit with an oar in the middle of the stream.

It's very hard for most of us to stand up to Dr's in those vulnerable situations.

Hugs & love,

benni said...

I've been reading your blog for some a few months now, it's just one of two that I read religiously. When I read about your experience, I got chills. Just don't beat yourself up for what happened. It's not your fault. We place our trust in professionals and expect them to be and act and do - professionally. The disappoint should be that there are, unfortunately, unprofessional professionals. It's so easy to say that this is a learning experience or blah, blah, blah. What happened shouldn't have, but it was by no means your fault. Your such a gifted writer and I take such solace from shared experiences. Thank you for writing and sharing in such detail, every aspect of what you're going though.

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