Wednesday, May 18, 2011

That Is Who I Would Like To Be

This comment is from a new reader (hello sweet DesertPirate), who has gone back to the beginning of the blog and is reading forward.  This is from a post I wrote entitled "Mother May I..." from last July.

I suppose there are always things in life that make you angry and sad and anxious.  There will always be tragedies and challenges.  No one is without these.  

This usually comes so easy to me.  So easy.  I suppose now though is when it really counts.  Now is when I put my money where my mouth is.

Do I really believe in grace?

Despite this serious challenge, can I still find a way to savor and be grateful for the moments of contentment and peace whenever they present themselves?

There is a place for crying out about the why why why of the bad that comes in life.

I would just like to sing louder about the good things than the crying I do about the bad, no matter how loud the bawling and cursing gets.

Kitty called me today, my chemo nurse.  Just checking on me, wondering if I'd had a better week.  Yup.  Physically much better.

Mentally not so much.

Mother May I?  Yes You May.  You must.

Today is another day I showed up and kept on writing and telling you the truth.

Every time I do that lately, it is a victory.

Thanks for being there with the light on, waiting for me.

Here's to singing louder than the crying and the cursing.  That is who I would like to be.


Here's what Desert Pirate wrote as she read that post for the first time today.

Here's to singing louder than the crying and the cursing . . . what a perfect vision. I can't believe no one responded to that. That is who I want to be too. I want the damn cancer to teach me how to love more deeply. To teach both my husband and I to communicate more intimately. To appreciate one another more fervently. Can cancer do that? I suppose it could if the singing is louder than the crying and the cursing. I hope my chemo brain will let me remember this. It is one of your best and most succinct thoughts I've read so far. Love you writergirldreams. Love you. Desertpirate

This is a very good question, can cancer do that, can cancer teach me that?

That would be a hell no.

Cancer doesn't do shit except ruin and destroy and be greedy and opportunistic.  There is never and will never be anything redeeming about cancer.  I see now though, adversity is an opportunity to rise, it's a chance to test will and spiritual muscle, and most of all, it is a call to be awake in your life, to love, to celebrate each moment of peace and contentment, even the ones that happen in the storm, as a precious gem.

Cancer won't teach you anything Lady.  Everything you are learning and embracing and opening to right now is all about you,

all the praise and credit goes to you.

Thank you for the love, thank you for what you all give back to me.  There are still rough moments for me, where I could stomp my foot and have a tantrum like Tink, and I feel sorry for myself.  And then a message comes from one of you, I see you reaching and blooming and opening to all the beauty that is your life,

and just to know I had a little somethin to do with that,

it makes me gloriously happy.

Every day I am learning what it is to be a survivor, and that is not defined by whether or not I survive a cancer diagnosis.

It's about showing up.
It's about being resilient.
It's about being present.
It's about loving the stuffing out of life.
It's about finding joy and delight in the most simple ordinary things.
It's about singing louder than the crying and the cursing.

Damned cancer ain't teaching you nothing DesertPirate, but you're learning just fine.

Just fine.

Keep going.

That's what I'm gonna do.
Keep going till there is no more to go.

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