Thursday, October 13, 2011

Making the Turn

They say the universe keeps sending you what you need to learn, until you learn it.

I guess I need more practice making the turn, when the bend in the road comes up, the one that requires turning left when I thought fur shizl I'd be turning right.

Make the turn.

Be flexible and resilient.

Yes, you can have a plan, but as you receive new information along the way, you have to be willing to make new decisions based on the new information.

I always tend to think life moves in a straight line progression, and this is never the case.  I always tend to think if I keep making the next right decision, that will lead to the next one and the next one, and progress will be made.  I always think I know where this is heading, or where I'll end up, or how things will go, and somehow I attach myself to an expected outcome.

I attach myself like a pitbull to an expected outcome.

Obviously, a huge huge part of Cancer Camp and even post Camp, and life in general, is all about not resisting the flow, staying open, soft, fluid, wet.

Rigid and stubborn is dry, like a desert.

I keep having to learn this again and again and again.

It shakes me out every time.

I am a creature of habit.
I don't like surprises.
I like plans.

That first day, realizing my reconstruction surgery was not going to take place as planned, was brutal.  I felt lost.  I felt five years old.  I felt scared.  Not again, I thought.  Not again.

Just last year, TWO WEEKS PRIOR to my bilateral mastectomy and planned IMMEDIATE RECONSTRUCTION, all during the same surgery, I found out it wasn't gonna happen.  I was not going to wake up with new boobs.

Now this is pretty damned ironic that my surgery this time WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE SAME DAY AS LAST YEAR.

October 26th.

I took it as an omen, a sign, a good sign.

Then bam.  Down she goes like Humpty Dumpty.  Server down.

For awhile there I was closed, like a little clam, with no boobs.

No, I am staying shut, I am not letting in anything that will keep me from THE PLAN even if the new information received obviously needs to change the plan.  Nope.  No how.  No way.  I'm staying shut.

With each day,
I have opened slightly,
and see just a little bit more
all the benefits to my surgery taking place in January.

It's hard though.

It's real hard sometimes,


and making the turn.

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