56 Days

I am grieving, missing my beloved Duncle Dody, mentioned often here on the blog. I have lost my biggest cheerleader, and my favorite Uncle who was my favorite Aunt. I am writing a post for him, and in the midst of that, received a comment I could not let go by.

From sweet Kimberly, regarding her friend whose Mom just passed on Sunday, only 56 days after her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.

56 days.

56.

Tell me Dear Reader,

what would you do differently tomorrow if you only had 56 days left?

What would you do with your 56 days?

Lord help me live every day, as if there were only 56 left.

Amen.

While There Is Time Left

While there is time left

Hold nothing back.
Give everything.
Lose everything.
Rush
Rush
To everything you love.

While there is time left
Say I'm sorry.
Say I love you.
Say you matter.
Say I need you.
Say I see you.

Take a deep breath,
The roses are blooming.
Pant in their sweetness
Till it fills your lungs.

Take a good look
The sun is rising.
Another perfect day
Given you.
Do not squander it.
Every step is precious.

Enough of your tinkering
And talking
And scheming.
Create it. Build it.
While there is time left.

Stand in the
Center of the storm,
Changed
And unchanged,
And even when
Your heart is breaking,

Stand in the wreckage
And the glory of your sacred life
and say

This is who I am.

While there is time left.

While there is time left.

I Got This

I did something for me today.  I let go of something that was hurting me and did not serve.  I chose me.

This is no small thing and took me 53 years and a cancer diagnosis and treatment to get it, but I've got it now.

It's ok, stand back everybody, I got this.

I got this.

Life is too short to constantly second guess where you stand with somebody you really love, and it takes great courage in your life to let it go,

to make room for what really loves you and seeks you and needs you like air and water.

I cleared a space today.
I made room.
I stopped the chase for what eluded me.

I stand still and quiet, at peace, I'm not running anymore, I am still and open with arms outstretched.

I see the abundance and love all around me.  It washes over me, wave after wave.

I am so blessed.

I am so blessed to have been lead to this place.

I loved you,

but
I
love
me
more.

11/22/11, The Year of Living Gratefully

That number sounds lucky, doesn't it?  It is lucky.  It's my birthday, and I'm here.

Did you know that when you tell people you would not give it back, not a day of fear, uncertainty, pain and grief, people look at you like you're crazy when you say you would not give it back.

That's where I am now.  What an amazing and blessed place to be.

Oh I'm crazy alright.  Crazy good.

I would not give it back.

I went from the Year of Living Dangerously, to the Year of Living Gratefully.

I would not give it back.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I would ever like to do it again, and I sure as hell would never wish it on you.

I'm just saying that who'd a thunk that God and the Universe would conspire to send me down a path that would change my life forever,

and send a thousand Angels and moments of grace that would completely change my heart and my mind about what happened to me.

Who'd a thunk I would ever say

I would not give it back.

It was a good day today, my 53rd birthday.

I made a wish as I blew out a single candle on a red velvet cupcake.

I don't even know where to begin to tell you all the things I am so grateful for, and all the Angels on my path who mean so much to me,

so let me just say

today and everyday,

I am grateful

for

another

breath.

It's Never Too Late to Start Your Day Over

Hey cool, real cool, sharing this comment here, you would not see it unless you went into my blog post from last May, (the one about "Half empty, half full") cause the comments are attached to whichever post they were commented on.  You might remember a quote I used by Sherry Hochman, it was one of my favorites, and said it all about Cancer Camp.

Every day is a good day, even when it sucks.

So, here's the comment recently posted -

Hi! I hope you are doing well! This is Sherry Hochman and I just wanted to say how cool it is to find my quote on your page :) I am always amazed at the journey that little quote has had. Happy Holidays! ~ Sherry

Whee hee, I LOVE IT, that full circle thing, she wrote it, I used it, now she finds me!  This has been one of the absolute joys of this blog, all those full circle moments.  Thank you so much Sherry, and yes, Happy Holidays!  Honey, EV-ER-EEEE SINGLE DAY IS A HOLIDAY AFTER A CANCER DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT.  Ev-er-eeee single day.

Hello Heavy Metal Mama, about the neuropathy, this is not a simple answer, and everyone is different, but yes, I still have neuropathy that continues, but interestingly enough, it was recently suggested I may have tarsal tunnel in the right foot, and that could be what's causing the continued numbness and swelling, that is not in the left foot.  Taxol could have pushed over the edge a pre-existing nerve compression problem.  I'm going to see a podiatrist and find out more about this tarsal tunnel thang.

At it's worst, my neuropathy included both hands and feet, and some major eye twitching.  Honey I'm talking shut my eyelids kind of twitches!  As the months passed, and I got farther and farther out from finishing chemo, slow and steady improvements were made.  Much much better.  I still get the occasional blip where my hands freeze, not such a good thing when you work as a server in a Napa Valley restaurant and hold several crystal wine glasses or flutes in one hand several times during the night shift.  The other night, I was holding six, tucking them between fingers as we servers do (thank you Salvador for teaching me this), and I felt as if my hand was freezing and my fingers could no longer clench the stems.  I had to walk over to a counter and let two of them drop from my hand.  Thankfully, they did not break, and thankfully, my hands worked the rest of the night.

Sometimes when opening several bottles of wine over the course of a shift, my hands get very stiff.  All in all though, my neuropathy is dramatically better, and I'm beginning to believe the exaggerated problem in the right foot is some other issue.  My plastic surgeon suggested I consider tarsal tunnel surgery, basically going into my ankle, and loosening the sheath that covers the nerves.  I'm thinkin about it, but not even gonna consider it till sometime after my big surgery.

So, for you newbies, you newly diagnosed who may need Taxol as part of your chemo regimen, yes, expect some neuropathy, but for many of the woman I personally know who had it, the neuropathy was mild, and/or was gone by the time they finished Taxol.  I just happened to be one of those people extremely sensitive to the stuff.  Queen of the Glitch, remember?

Just a reminder, my reconstructive surgery is scheduled for January 4th.  Only a couple months till I get to retire my mastectomy bra and prostheses!  Whee hee!  I will be trying to post as often as I can before surgery and after, giving you as often as I can a day by day to the recovery from a DIEP procedure.  Stay tuned.  Need a refresher about what a DIEP is?  It's where during one surgery, I get a tummy tuck and the tummy tissue is used to reconstruct new breasts.

Flopsy and Mopsy, the sequel.

Hello Tara, met at Sephora today, thank you thank you thank you for all the love and gifts you showered on a stranger today!  It's not everyday someone tells you there is a glowing aura of golden light around you, like an Angel!  Wow!

Sparkle, sparkle, my light is only brighter cause all of you believed in me and kept me going when I thought I could do no more.

Read this sign today hanging in the most fabulous boutique.  It said "It's never too late to start your day over."

Amen.

Amen.