Friday, March 30, 2012

Bigger Than

My new boobs would be one day old today.  I was supposed to wake up in ICU, and after THIS surgery, instead of peeking under the sheet and seeing a chest as flat as a counter where two fat bunnies used to live, I was supposed to see my new "foobs" as we call em in the business.  Foobs = fake boobs.

I woke up this morning in my own bed, still no chest, and a tummy like Pooh Bear waiting it's turn to donate fat and tissue for the cause.

Seems to me I've been on one hell of a roller coaster these last couple of years, and hit a major crescendo when my dear Uncle died, and unbelievably just when I thought this can't get worse, our Cara is diagnosed with leukemia, and my surgery cancelled again.

Three months off work and nothing to show for it except a couple of herniated discs and a pinched nerve, a kidney stone, and a broken heart.

That's how it feels sometimes, especially when I think about Cara.  It's hard reliving this whole thing, up so close, it's hard seeing her go through the grief and fear and uncertainty of a cancer diagnosis, hard seeing her go through the rigors of chemo and all its brutal side effects, hard not having her home and coming to visit.  Hard to see her hurting, sick, scared, losing her hair, and stuck in a hospital bed in a hospital room for days and weeks on end.  She's 20 years old, just 20.  Why did this have to happen to her?  Why?  It's just hard hard stuff, and there is no way to take the ouch out of this.  It hurts.  Bad.

Every single day I look for sanctuary, sometimes taking it minute by minute, other times feeling as if I'm just dragging my heart around on the ground, aching for Cara, and her Mama and Step Dad, and her Dad, and her Sister, and my son, her boyfriend.  I ache.

There is no way to take the ouch out of this.

and that's when I remind myself
about the "C" bigger than cancer.
Way bigger.

I get lost in my worry, and He finds me.
I feel heart broken, and He arrives, the Heart Mender.
I feel helpless, and that's when I realize I need to let go and let Him.

I can't do this.
This hurts.
I don't think I can.
I really don't think I can.
I can't.

and then,
a peace comes over me,
as if someone who loves me whispers in my ear,
as if someone who loves me pats me when I cry,
as if someone who loves me says -

There there now.
There there now sweet girl.
Have faith.
Trust in My timing.
I am at work.
I was at work before you even had a hint
of the bad that was coming.
There is a plan.
There is a plan for all these things to come together,
bringing you closer,
to each other,
and Me.

There there now.
I've got this, He reminds.

"K" I say in a small voice.
"K" I whimper.

There is a "C" bigger than cancer,
bigger than my heart ache,
bigger than my disappointments,
bigger than my life.



Kendra said...

Oh, wow, I really liked this post. Thank you SO much for sharing! I will pray for Cara and for you. Have you been able to reschedule your surgery? Mine is coming up in a couple of weeks, having already been put off at least twice.

writergirldreams said...

Thank you Kendra! Good luck and many prayers for you for a smooth surgery, recovery and healing, and new boobies! That's great. No I haven't rescheduled yet. Probably later this year. Hoping all goes well for you! Hugs and thanks for visiting me here! Deb

Anonymous said...

Yes..Wow! You said it. He gave you the gift of words my girl. Such a blessing to others. H will see us thru in h time.
Prayers to you & yours.
Hugs, Laure jean.

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